The Maelstrom ( noun. 1. a powerful whirlpool 2. a scene of confused movement or upheaval)

The End of this Chapter ...

2005-09-07T03:22:00.000-07:00

I'm moving to another site, so email me if you want details.

M

" It's Crawling with Idiot ..."

2005-07-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

Following the euphoria around London winning the 2012 Olympics yesterday, the city awoke today to bleak harsh reminder of the evil in the world.

I got up late and caught a train to Charing Cross. Another day ahead at work, another commuter train journey. Nothing unusual - some people snoozed, some read newspapers, some chatted and laughed and others like me, plugged in our IPods and chilled ... "Teatro, puro teatro ..."

I left the train at Charing Cross, and walked down to Embankment - catch a Circle Line and I'll be at my desk in 15 minutes. I entered the Station and went down to the Circle Line platform. Packed, as usual, I switched off my IPod to catch any announcements.

"This is a security announcement. Due to a security alert in the City, the whole underground network is currently not operating"

Shit - that sounds bad, very bad. For those of you who don't know the Tube, security alerts are a regular occurence - people forget bags all the time, and the usually result is a closed station. Something on this scale must be very big.

The next announcement requested all passengers leave the station and use buses. As I left Embankment, another announcement said " Due to a power failure...." I then realised London Underground didn't really know what was happening either. I walked outside and firstly rang Kitten. She checked the BBC and Transport for London site - neither had anything ... yet. I then called work and said I may be going home if things don't improve.

I walked back to Embankment and asked a Station attendant what the latest was ... his reply was honest, though scary ... "The Police are basically searching for bombs at most stations..." Sod this for a lark, I thought, I'm getting the hell outta Dodge as they say in Cali. I then walked back to Charing Cross and waited for a train home. I called into work, but the line was busy and I left a message saying I'm going home, so I called Kitten who had started to pick up news as it filtered through. Initially it was four explosions, then six, then three buses were apparently blown up. Clever, vicious but clever - when the Tube goes down, commuters are always told to take the buses.

As I waited for a train, they announced the whole Tube and bus network was out of service. If you know London, and the size of it, that happening means London is crippled. I tried to ring Kitten but guess what - the mobile network was overloaded.

I caught a train home and Kitten's arms.

Having lived through the IRA campaigns of the 70's and 80's, this makes you realised how things have changed. Whatever your standpoint, the IRA were fighting for a tangible entity - the removal of British Troops and the re-unification of Ireland. They usually gave warnings (though people still tragically died), and they left the bomb and scarpered. This latest terror threat is entirely different and on a more sinister, unpredictable scale. Firstly, we have a conflict of ideaology - something that has no tangible entity, and no boundaries. We also face the prospect of people who have no respect for human life, including their own (though how they can claim to be adherents of Islam, which values human life above all else, I don't know).

As the news unfolds, we now know at least 37 people have lost their lives, and over 700 are injured, a large amount critically.

All our thoughts are with them and their relatives at this shocking time.

“The darkest hour is right before the dawn…”

2005-07-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

The last twelve months have been unbelievably stressful, but will hopefully soon be reaching a conclusion. In that time, I have had the wholehearted and unbending support and love of my wife, who, despite having her own tribulations to deal with, has been a rock in stormy waters. We have had some (many) dark times when it seemed that everything was stacked against us, and outside forces were trying to undermine and destroy us – things that would have killed off a lesser relationship – but her positivity and her generous, loving heart has saved us and pulled us through.

I do not regret for an instant meeting her, or anything we have done since we met … her openness and curiosity has led to so many new experiences and revelations for me. Old “friends” may have gone (strange isn’t it how you think you know people, but they suddenly turn to shadows ... did I really look out for you all those times?) and I imagine a few, out of curiosity or voyeurism have read this blog, but they have been replaced with real friends, like Dave, Am, Jimmy, James, Kevin, and my in-laws (Bless them all).

I’m proud to be with her, to be part of her life, and to share my life with hers. Here’s to the rest of our lives together.

A statement

2005-07-01T02:13:00.000-07:00

Stalk (verb) 1. to pursue or approach stealthily, harass or persecute with unwanted and obsessive attention. To move silently or threateningly through.

- DERIVIATIVES Stalker (noun)

The Law against Stalking
The main Statute which makes stalking and harassment illegal is The Protection from Harassment Act 1997, but there are a number of other acts which prevent specific forms of harassment, such as silent or abusive telephone calls and malicious mail. There are laws against particular acts such as assault, rape, silent or abusive telephone calls, 'poison pen letters' and the making of defamatory statements.
The Protection from Harassment Act 1997 ('the 1997 Act') creates 2 criminal offences: Section 2 makes it an offence to harass a person; Section 4 makes it an offence to put a person in fear of violence. In addition, the Act creates a civil 'tort' (i.e. wrong) which a victim can use to sue the stalker for an injunction and/or damages.
The 1997 Act does not use the word 'stalking' nor does it really define harassment. It simply makes it unlawful to 'pursue a course of conduct which amounts to harassment of another and which the defendant knows or ought to know amounts to harassment of another' (section 1(1)). Section 1(2) says that a person ought to know that a course of conduct amounts to harassment if a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think that it amounted to harassment.

Spellbound, spellbound ...

2005-06-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

Kitten and I went into Town today, and bought a very interesting book - "Look Into My Eyes" by Peter Masters.

It's a book on hypnosis and how to use this in your sex life.

After reading through the main part of the book and discussing the implications of hypnosis, we agreed to give the basic exercises a go. Kitten has been hypnotised before, in a therapeutic way, so she is used to being placed in a trance and doesn't freak out at the prospect. It also helps that we have total trust in each other - the core of a successful and respectful BDSM relationship.

So - on with the show.

After talking through what I was going to do, we sat and relaxed in the living room with a single candle at eye level across the room from where we were sitting.

I slowly talked Kitten into focussing on the candle and relaxing - letting the tension slip out of her body, and clearing her mind of all thoughts apart from listening to my voice. Once I felt she was in a trance, I carried out a few simple tests, which she obeyed, and then woke her slowly - telling her to remember all we had discussed and all I had asked her to do.

It all went perfectly - apart from my verbosity. I was talking too much instead of slowly letting my instructions take effect, but Kitten slipped into a trance and felt controlled to do the tests.

Check her blog for her thoughts ...!!!

This all bodes well for an exploration of further fantasies and deeper exploration of our subconcious.

Oh and the quote from Siouxsie and the Banshees?

Kitten bought me the "Best of" CD and transferred it all to my iPod .... memories of the late 70's come flooding back....

"... meanwhile, life goes on all around you ... "

2005-06-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

"Life is ever changing ... yet remains unchanged" as Monty Python once said.

Kiiten and I went North to visit my parents - my Dad is ill, and an operation is the best option to cure a lot of his problems.

We took the trip also as a chance to drive around and see some places we love and take some pictures. The North always seems to chill us out, and we both remarked that we seem to be deeper in love when we drive back South. South - where we come to the unchanged bit, as the flat sale creeps onwards towards completion ... soon (fingers, toes, ears, eyes all crossed).

The D/s DD parts of our lives have taken a bit of a knock recently, as I've been overwhelmed at work and Kitten has been working late shifts and weekends. It's been real hard work getting out of bed in the morning (fortunately the sex side is still strong - that accounts for the hard work getting out of bed at 7:00 a.m.!)

However - things bucked up today as we met Dave & Am and went to the London Fetish Fair. I wanted to buy a new crop (that's two I've broken so far), and Dave recommended Rattan as a good addition to our collection (Am had her reservations ...).

We ended up getting two crops, a rattan cane and a lovely varnished wooden paddle.

Sitting in the sun in the courtyard afterwards with a drink, was a very civilised end to the proceedings.

The evening promises a test drive or two and a re-ignition of the old flames ...

Turning over a new leaf ....

2005-05-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

Bliatz very kindly laid down the gauntlet (if a gauntlet CAN be kindly laid down ...) in the game of book tag.

In response, my answers are as follows;

1. No of books I've owned? - I've lost count, but I've been buying (and losing) books for years, so I must have owned a few thousand.

2. The last book I bought? 'A Rebours' (Against Nature) by JK Huysmanns. I first bought this when I was a student and then either lost it or gave it away. It was the “Yellow Book” referred to in the trial of Oscar Wilde, and the nail in the coffin of Romanticism. Huysmanns was a follower of Zola, but the two fell out big time when this was published. An inspiration for exploring the intellectual over the physical. From this initial standpoint of anti-religion, Huysmann's following books lead him to convert to Catholicism later in life.

3. The last book I read? See 2, but as that's a bit of a cop out, the one before that was “The Golem” by Gustave Meyrink. This is an amazing, mystical, psychological novel based on the Jewish legend of the Golem - a creature made of clay and brought to life to work in the Synagogue on the Sabbath, which then escapes and wreaks havoc. The book stunningly captures life in the Prague ghetto at the turn of the 19th/20th centuries, and the effects magic can have upon susceptable minds.

4. The Five books that mean something to me (sorry I thought of six..)? Like with music, I can think of five books each day that mean something to me depending on the weather and my mood, ranging from Ross MacDonald to Robert Louis Stevenson, and from Jonathon Swift to Dr Seuss… Today's choice would be (not in any priority);

Book One
The Naked Lunch by William Burroughs. I read this at school and it was such a revelation as I was living in a rural community far from any big city and the shenanigans that Burroughs and the Beats got up to. Opened up the “Doors of Perception”. (Burroughs also created Steely Dan - a particular menacing sexual appliance whose name was nicked by the band).

Book Two
Long John Silver by Bjorn Larson. Larson is a Swedish writer who created this “autobiography” of the anti-hero of Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. An amazing, crazy ride through the life of a bad man (who you can't help but admire) whose motto is self survival at all costs, and has lots of sticking it to pompous authority figures along the way.

Book Three
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. Burgess is one of the greatest English writers, but somehow is overlooked - he would say because he was a “common” man of Irish descent … and a Northerner. This exploration of disaffected youth with their own language, clothes and code of ethics was prescient to say the least … and Echo and the Bunnymen used Korova (the name of the Milk Bar where the gang meets) as the name for their record label. Burgess tapped into his experiences as an Army intelligence officer for the “reconstruction of Alex" scenes. Still reads like a tolchock in the yarbles.

Book Four
Pincher Martin by William Golding. I love all of Golding's book, and most people must know “Lord of the Flies”. This is an apparently straightforward tale of one man who is lost overboard from a ship in the North Atlantic during the Second World War. He washes up on a rock and the novel charts his efforts at survival. However, this is no “Castaway”, and the ending hits like a blow to the solar plexus. It seriously has you questioning what you've just read.

Book Five
Moby Dick by Herman Melville. This has so many levels - adventure story, thriller, psychological study, a textbook history and study of whaling in North America … and a big angry white whale to boot. What more could you ask for in one book? And we all know how Moby got his name. Just “Call me Ishmael…”

Book Six
The Man who was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton. I read this first as a kid and to my mind it's one of the cleverest, funniest, wittiest books ever. It still makes me chuckle at the antics of the anarchists and poets as they battle each other and finally get to meet “The Man”. The chase sequence must have been written whilst on something, and HAS to have been an influence on Dadaism and Surrealism …

5. Tag Five People... actually it looks like everyone I would have tagged has already been done apart from Zach, so here goes...

Zach

Get thee behind me .....

2005-05-23T03:17:00.000-07:00

Kitten knelt patiently on the bed.

“We’ll begin with a few warm up’s ….”
“Yes Master …”

I started to hand spank her, slowly building up in force and by the twentieth stroke on each cheek, her body was rocking in time. After administering the initial punishment, I moved up a notch.

“Now it’s time for the paddle…”

I began by tapping the paddle on Kitten’s butt, and then got into a regular rhythm. Moving from left to right and increasing the power on each stroke, I was working hard on her ass – and she was sighing and moaning in appreciation. The final ten strokes on each cheek were very hard, and cracked like small arms fire echoing off the walls. Her ass was glowing red.

“Now for a little treat kitten – don’t move, stay in this position…”

I leant over and grabbed the lube. I rolled a condom onto my stiff cock and told kitten to lube up my cock….

She sat up and smiled before squeezing the lube onto my cock and her hands, and smearing it over my shaft.

Now was the time to reveal the treat I had in store for her…

“Return to your position, Kitten… it’s time for your ass to be fucked…”

She scooted over onto all fours and pressed her face into the duvet. I took up my position behind her and grasped her ass cheeks, parting them with my thumbs and resting the head of my cock at the entrance to her asshole.

I slowly pushed and after a couple of gentle thrusts, she relaxed and my cock slowly entered her. It felt soft and warm and tight, and I gradually pushed further and further in.

Kitten was moaning softly, and, as I began to fuck her in earnest, she softly cried out…

“ Master….”

“Yes?, How does that feel Kitten… ?, How does it feel as your Master takes you up the ass…?”

“Fantastic, Master …” she sighed, “I feel owned…”

I continued, and my regular thrusts became harder and faster, and I looked down to see my glistening cock pumping in and out.

My balls began to contract and I felt an electrifying sensation flood my loins as I pumped my hot cum into her …

“You’re the only sense the World has ever made…”

2005-05-17T02:45:00.000-07:00

Riding the train to work I was listening to my new I-Pod mini, a present from Kitten. The first song to come on was “Ode to Billy Joe” followed by “Switching Off” by Elbow.

I closed my eyes and the song washed over me… “and the curtains sigh, in time, with you …” and my thoughts drifted back to Kitten who I had left warm and soft and sweet smelling in bed only half an hour ago….

I still pinch myself when I realise how blessed I was to meet her. Her love for life, her beauty, her imagination, her cheekiness … and her patience with me.

When we make love or when we fuck, I adore her abandonment … how she slips into her inner self, lets her instincts and desires take hold of her, and gives herself totally.

When we lay together in the dark, sated, being with her closes the circle of my life…

“Hand in Glove …”

2005-04-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

As she entered the bedroom, I stepped behind her and pushed her face down onto the bed.

I held her firmly with my left hand on the small of her back, and roughly pulled her skirt up above her waist. I then began to firmly spank her.

She cried out and tried to wriggle away, but could not escape the onslaught being carried out on her behind. Finally she succumbed as the punishment wore on, and took it in silence apart from the occaisional yelp.

As it finished, I pushed the skirt back down, stepped away and began to undress.

“What was that for????” she asked….

To go to the beginning, we were stood on the platform waiting for a train home and Kitten was in a mischievous, cheeky mood (what’s new there I hear you say). After saying she did not want a chocolate bar, she watched me buy one, then complained that I hadn’t bought her one. As the train arrived, she walked off into a different carriage.

At the next station, we met up again and she asked

“Why are you smiling?”
“Because of something I know … that you will find out later…”

Despite her pleas, I wouldn’t reveal more, that is until we were getting ready to go to bed later that evening, and the full force of the punishment for her behaviour was applied.

After the punishment we got into bed and played … my hand exploring her warm, soft, wet cunt and her hand stroking my cock. I then mounted her and fucked her slow and soft, grabbing her ankles, lifting her legs high, and grinding our bodies together, then fast and hard – turning her over at the last to finish off deep and hard from behind, digging my fingers into her red butt cheeks …

“… so stay on my arm, you little charmer”

A Pilgrim's Progress (I) ...

2005-04-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

It's almost a year since we first met.

I stood at Embankment Station on 15th April 2004 and waited. And waited. It felt strange that even though we had never met - and had only spoken on the phone a few times - I knew she would turn up. And she did - the trains were up the creek - and everything fitted into place.

Since then I have explored deeper and deeper into myself and at times it's not been an easy road.

I've had to go through many new experiences and felt like a Russian Doll, shedding skins and re-emerging as a new, slightly advanced model each time.

I know now that I have a Dominance deep within me, something that I'd shied away from in the past, and having Kitten as my wife and submissive has allowed me to take this out and play in a perfect environment and we seem to grow together stronger each day.

Here's to the next year....

“Goin' back to Cali … to Cali … to Cali …”

2005-03-28T13:08:00.000-08:00

Kitten and I fly out tomorrow, heading back to Nor Cal.

Kitten has survived her first full English Winter, and we both need some vacation time together. We have some paperwork to sort out when we get there, but this trip should be much more relaxed than the last visit when we spent a lot of time arranging our wedding as well as me meeting her family and friends.

We are taking a trip to SoCal, which should be fun … who knows we may even bump into Morrissey! … but Kitten is dreading the trip. LA is not her favourite city on Earth… but I've yet to savour it's delights.

I'm really looking forward to this trip, seeing Jimmy, Kevin and James, again as well as Kittens Mum and sisters, and really need this time away after a long hard Winter. I loved Nor Cal from the moment I saw the Bay as the plane banked round to land at SFO - the wineries and the beaches were fantastic, even though I nearly lost my manhood when horse riding … a Western saddle is no way to start.

Anyway, we are finishing packing and have to get an early night, so best wishes to you all and I'll blog again soon… two weeks time at the latest.

Spring in my step....

2005-03-23T05:36:00.000-08:00

Kitten here are your Instructions…

Be fully prepared for when I arrive home.

Be shaven and standing by the bed wearing your maid uniform, and holding your collar with bell on.

Be wearing your Oxfords.

Be wearing no underwear.

Have the new flogger/crop placed on the bed, along with the spreader bar, the cuffs, the blindfold, the ball gag and the butt plug.

I will call you when I leave the station.

Master.

Ain’t it just like the night….

2005-03-22T02:43:00.000-08:00

I lay in bed feeling drained.

A great day, when things went so well, had ended in an argument.

My phone was bathing the room in soft light as I lay back. We had fought about my not giving Kitten what she needs, my selfishness, my control freakery, and she threatened to leave, to tear up our marriage certificate and to walk out. She took off her rings, and asked me to do the same. In my inimitable, controlling way, I inevitably refused.

I feel I always just miss the point, yet I know the point is there.

We talked, argued, and sat in silence – then talked and argued again, as the numbers tripped over deeper and deeper into the night and until we both ran out of energy and things to say. It was as if the reservoir had been drained dry, a weight lifted.

We are two strong forces – each with our own reasons for our strengths, and each gaining strength from the other, yet because we need each other so much it sometimes seems to spill over into a fight – as if we know we can be better than we are for each other, and find that frustrating.

Christ, the things we have been through to get here, most people never experience in the whole lives.

We finally touched, fell together, held each other, explored each other and made love ... then slept, Kittens head resting on my chest.

... To my Kitten ...

2005-03-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Kitten - Soon it will be 7 months since we got married. In that time we have shared so much, watched out for each other and weathered many storms together like mariners upon tempestuous seas ... perhaps we have had more than our fair share, but I don't regret a moment we have shared together.

Sometimes life gets in the way of things - the daily realities of work, home, work addded to the mundane side of things like paying bills, shopping etc - and we neglect to say what we should to each other and don't spend time re-visiting and re-affirming what is really important.

On that note, I'm here to say I still love you deeply ... as deeply as I did when we got married if not more so. You still me me smile, laugh, get mad, worry about you, care for you, and feel that life is finally worth living.

Life is sweet - the sweetest it's ever been.

Thank you Kitten.

Love,
Master.

... and the rain came down ....

2005-03-02T07:03:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 2nd March 2005.

The snow, as it always seems to do in England, has quickly become rain, and the grey skies seem to go on forever. For some reason the Golem springs to mind. Perhaps it's the cold misty drizzle, the grey skies, and the London architecture that sends my mind wandering to a Prague before Nazism so cruelly and senselessly removed that segment of the Jewish diaspora that lived, loved and laughed in the narrow streets around the Old Synagogue. Mental note find a copy and re-read a.s.a.p. The idea of creating a creature from clay to release and wreak havoc seems quite logical today.

At the moment things are so busy for me - my job is managing projects so it involves paperwork, meetings, documentation, targets and that's just when it's all working okay. When things fall down well, you get the picture.

Anyway less about me ... As promised Kitten your instructions pour le jour.

I expect you to be showered and shaven.

Be in the living room wearing your 4” heels, seamed stockings, a white skirt, a black shirt and black underwear.

Have all the ropes laid out ready, along with the crop, the paddle, the blindfold, and your collar.

I will call when I am at the station.

Master.

Maid in Heaven ....

2005-02-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

Kitten - I know you are at home awaiting your instructions. Today, they are as follows....

Complete the shaving task as requested in the last set of instructions - and no excuses about hot water this time.

Be stood next to the bed with your arms behind your back wearing your maid uniform, your 4" heels, and no underwear. I expect you to have taken the Velcro shackle restraints and placed one around each ankle.

Have your blindfold, collar, cuffs and spreader bar laid out on the bed, along with the ropes. Again no excuses.

As before, I will call as I leave the station.

Master.

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ..."

2005-02-23T07:26:00.000-08:00

The snow was falling hard as I left the station. I rang Kitten and told her I was five to ten minutes away.

“The snow is beautiful, I’d love to walk outside…” she said.
“You can if you want to …” I replied.
“No – I’m obeying your instructions and I’m waiting for you to come home.”
“Good Kitten”

I walked into the house. Quiet. The hallway light was on, and I could see that the bedroom light was also on, as the door was ajar.

I entered the bedroom and saw Kitten. On all fours on the bed. Her skirt was hitched up above her naked ass, which was framed by the straps of the black suspenders, and her legs, sheathed in seamed silk stockings, spread wide. Beside her was the butt plug, lube and blindfold.

I stepped behind her and ran my hand over her ass and then slipped it down between her legs. She was almost fully shaven. Almost.

“I instructed you to be fully shaven, Kitten …”
“I’m sorry, Master, the hot water ran out and …”
“No excuses. Twenty hand spanks on each ass cheek will start your punishment. Count them out…”
“Yes Master..”

I then began. Rubbing each cheek, I delivered twenty strokes each side, and she counted them out one by one.

“You don’t appear chastised at all, Kitten. I think it’s time for the crop”
“Yes Master…”

So I reached for my crop. A long black shaft with a red and black handle and a thick, black lozenge of leather at the tip. I tapped it lightly on each cheek before each stroke, and build the strength of the impact as the number increased. Again, Kitten obediently counted each one. Kitten began to moan after this stage of the punishment, and I slipped my hand between her legs. She was wet, but not enough yet. To continue I needed more leather, more contact, more intensity, so I took the spanker off the rack. The spanker is like a crop, but has a large heart shaped piece of leather at the end, and has become shaped to fit Kitten’s ass perfectly.

I began to further increase the intensity as I inflicted a further forty strokes, which were again counted out. After this time Kitten was moving in time to each one, and was beginning to breath hard. I felt between her legs after this stage and she was soaking.

Feeling mischievous I decided the punishment would be completed with the small paddle. This is a table tennis bat sized paddle with a hard side and a soft side, and definitely NOT Kitten’s favourite. This really hit the spot, and Kitten was crying out as the punishment reached it’s conclusion.

I then walked round to the side of the bed, and instructed Kitten to unfasten my trousers and lower my pants. She did so, and released my hard cock, which sprang out to meet her.

“Stroke my cock and balls, Kitten … this is what you really want, isn’t it slut…?”
“Yes Master…”

She stroked and massaged my cock, and then I ordered her to re-assume her position. She scooted round the bed and presented herself to me. I picked up the butt plug, and coated it well with lube before opening her ass cheeks and resting it the entrance to her butt.

“Relax Kitten… I ordered, and as she did so, I eased in the plug. She moaned softly and I ran the head of my cock up and down her cunt before slipping it deep inside. Kitten caught her breath and I began to ride her hard, relishing the feeling as she gripped me, and running my hands down her thighs to feel the smooth silk of her stocking covered legs. I drove in deeper, and used my stomach to push in the butt plug, then drew out and began a shallow fuck, with the tip of my cock just slipping in and out of her, and used my thumb to wiggle the plug.

Kitten was crying out now, so I returned to a deep fuck and gripped the sides of her ass as I felt the build up in my balls become overwhelming. I increased the speed of my thrusts and then came deep within her…

It's a new day ...

2005-02-21T05:30:00.000-08:00

Dearest Kitten,

As the snow falls over London, today marks the new beginning and the start of your instruction. Below I have listed the first set of requirements, and expect you to comply fully with what I order.

I will call when I leave the station, and tell you when I expect to be home.

When I arrive home, I expect you to be;

Fully shaven, and wearing a black shirt and skirt, your seamed stockings, and your six-inch patent Oxford shoes, and no underwear.

You will be on all fours on the bed, with your skirt up around your waist, your ass in the air, and your pussy presented ready for cock.

You will ensure the ball gag, blindfold, butt plug and vibrator are all ready for use and are laying on the bed beside you.

When I enter the room, you will thank me for my instructions, tell me you are my faithful slut, and ask me to treat you as I see fit.

You will gladly receive whatever punishment I decide to administer, and thank me when I have finished.

Master.

Never Give up on a Good Thing ...

2005-02-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

Recent events have meant more change and more upheaval. Having to move house to another temporary place just means more uncertainty and more delay in finding a permanent place we can call our own, and more time spent living in semi-chaos whilst the saga of selling my old flat just drags on.

Kitten and I have talked about furthering the D/s side of things, and I have to admit I've been too preoccupied with work and trying to establish a solid platform for us to build our lives upon to concentrate fully on D/s. This has inevitably caused tensions, and discussions on how to progress. In addition to getting back into the swing of using the crops, paddles, and spankers, we have agreed to begin training via blog … I will send instructions, which Kitten will pick up over the course of the day, and I will check compliance in the evening when I return home. This promises much, and as usual, we seem able and determined to work through things together.

We have now been married for six months - I think back to the fragile state of mind I was in before we met, and it now seems an age away. I've changed so much for the better since that time, and despite everything happening around us at the moment, the thought of us ever being apart never enters my head, only thoughts of what we will do in the future together.

Spring approaches and the mornings and evenings get lighter. I keep thinking positively and hope that it will mean an upturn in the housing market and we can finally put that aspect of things behind us and move on.

One, Two - Buckle my shoe ....

2005-02-08T15:36:00.000-08:00

Three, Four – Knock on the Door … Five, Six - Pick up Sticks …

Random Ten.

Ever fallen in Love - Buzzcocks. Ranks with Teenage Kicks as a perfect pop song, but has the added frisson of being about a boy loving another boy.

Into Each Life some Rain must fall - Ella Fitzgerald. Ella's voice is so pure and she hits every note so sweetly. Brightens up any rainy day

Luck be a Lady - Sky Masterson (ok Marlon Brando). Sharp suits, illegal dice games, and 50's Marlon. What else need I say.

I'm in a Dancing Mood - Delroy Wilson. This is so slow and sneaky ... before you know it you're shuffling along. It was this or "Under the Boardwalk", to remind me of when I was a kid - sunshine and seaside.

Sweet Talking Guy - The Chiffons. Two minutes dead of pop perfection.

Alright Now - Free. From my hairy phase.

Central Reservation - Beth Orton. Not the slow version. With the line " Today is whatever I want it to be..."

Street Life - Randy Crawford. 70's disco classic, with an emphasis on the classis.

Line and Sinker - Billy Talent. Pwhoar. You want rocking?

Sorted for E's and Whizz - Pulp. Memories of the 80's, and leaving important parts of one’s brain in a field somewhere in Hampshire.

Total amount of Music files on my computer;

None – shame!

Last CD Bought;

Jill Scott, I think…

5 Songs that mean a lot to me;

There is a Light that never goes out – The Smiths. The Anthem of Kitten and me. Say no more.

Shot by Both Sides – Magazine. When Howard Devoto left the Buzzcocks, he created this Manc punk classic. Reminds me of all the energy when the punk explosion hit the North.

Yeah Yeah Yeah – Black Grape. The best Happy Mondays song ever! Fantastic dirty groove from Shaun Ryder and the gang.

In a Sentimental Mood – John Coltrane. Sublime. Washes away any blues you may have and takes you on a dreamy trip to wonderland. Snuggle up on the couch and let it wash over you.

King Tubby Meets Rockers Uptown - Augustus Pablo. I first heard this classic dub cut in 1973, when I visited my Dad who was working in London at the time. Turned every idea I had of music on it’s head. Still sounds revolutionary today.

That’s me for now … as I write this I can think of another list, so best leave whilst I’m sort of ahead…

The ties that bind.......

2005-02-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

The D rings were attached to the beams. The ropes were sorted, untangled, and coiled afresh.

The bag of toys was opened and emptied onto the floor - shoes (4", 5", 6" heels.) tumble onto the carpet, along with floggers, spankers, crops, cuffs and spreader bars...a fetish, fantasy, festive treat... imagine Christmas Day if Saint Nick was Old Nick.

Kitten sat on the couch, doing her presentation for school and browsing blogs, and looked up and smiled....

I set to work, dredging up my knowledge of rigging and ropework, and created a rig to spread the load and suspend weight. A four point lifting harness, with extra shackles at each point to further ease the pressure across the rig. When was completed, it worked a treat.

Kitten rose and undressed. I began by binding a harness across her chest, followed by a waist harness, then a thigh harness on each leg. Linking all together, we were ready to began. It was then I realised. I needed a block or two to spread and hold the lift, and a cleat to tie off the hoisting line. Shit.

Nimble thinking led us to compromise, binding Kittens wrists, and hoisting them above her head.

I then kneaded her breasts, and applied clips to her nipples. She sighed and moaned softly. I then put a blindfold over her eyes and reached for the spanker - her favourite spanker.

"200 strokes..."

"Mmmmm...."

I began by stroking Kitten's butt, then started the punishment. The spanker made a sharp brittle cracking sound on each stroke, and Kitten writhed and her body arched as the punishment reached it's climax...

At the end of the alloted strokes I lowered her hands, bent her over and entered her from behind. She cried out, but was soaking wet and my cock slipped straight up into her and I began fucking her hard...

Then from the sublime, we reached the ridiculous... the dog suddenly appeared and began jumping up at us, crazily wagging it's tail and freaking out.... moment lost, we cracked up.

Moral of the story ... always make sure your hound is securely locked up before you start to play.

Return of the M ...

2005-02-04T15:28:00.000-08:00

Hello again everyone ... it's been a long time.

A lot has been happening, and though I've not been blogging, I have been watching over you all, so I know you've all been good.

We have moved from Central London and the new place is making things easier, but until my flat sells things are gonna be difficult. Work, travelling to work, and moving have all taken their toll and I've been neglectful in my dominance recently. Things aren't helped by the short days and cold weather. They really make me feel low - being born on the Summer Solstice means I'm a Summer person, sunshine makes me feel SOOOO good. I really noticed that when I was in California. Perhaps I was born in the wrong place...Thought - Can a season be a place?. Robert Browning seemed to think so in Home thoughts from Abroad - "Oh to be in England now that April's there...!"

Not that I haven't had ideas - I've planned setting up some D rings on the beams, and we're awaiting delivery of a fantastic gold corset for Kitten (check out www.whatkatiedid.com)- it's just I'm shagged out. Well actually sometimes too tired even for that!!!!

As you all know I'm a worrier, and things get me down sometimes. This makes me withdrawn and I just don't communicate - nothing wilful about it, it's as if I don't have the energy to speak. This frustrates Kitten - pure NorCal constant communicator - and so tensions build.

These tensions are exacerbated by Kitten needing her punishments as a cathartic release from the pressures, so any let up leads to more frustration all round ... and on ... and on.

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel - at least on the DD front. We have this weekend to ourselves, so time together to plan and play, and play and plan. Get the corset and the D rings and dust of those ropes, spankers, paddles, crops 'n' cuffs,

I'll write soon ... it feels good to be back...

Winter has me in its grip ....

2004-12-20T05:26:00.000-08:00

As Tom Waits once sang/grumbled/spoke, here in Dear Old Blighty it's "Colder than a welldiggers ass...."

There's snow predicted by the end of the week. So, once the first inch is settled, expect total chaos on the roads and the rail network. Somethings never change.

Kitten and I have been coming down since Friday from a shitload of stress. A lot has been lifted, though there's still stuff to do, and we can see the end of the tunnel now.

Why I think of this I dunno, but I'm reminded of the guy who goes down to Hell.

Satan takes him on a tour and he's shown a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking tea and eating cake (English Hell, okay?). He jumps at the chance and asks to spend eternity right there.

Satan say, "Okay, my friend, your wish is my command...", excorts him in and leaves.

As soon as Satan leaves the room, the Demon in charge shouts out...

"Okay everybody, teabreak over ... back on your heads..."

We went to see Morrissey Saturday Night ... the double treat of Mozz plus PJ Harvey, as mentioned on the radio in the morning, never materialised, and we had a siren wailing blue light flashing trip in an ambulance to hospital before we managed to get back for the gig...

Kitten will review on "Spoil Your Speakers", but Moz was very good. He's grown into a real stage presence since I first saw him with the Smiths back in 1983, and was pleased to hear "racists" being one of a long list of his pet hates read out before the gig - NOW can we put this one to rest, folks??!?.The band was tighter than a ducks ass (and that's watertight), and the lighting impeccable.

Winter Solstice looms (21st December at 12:41 UT), so Happy New Year to you all!!!!

Oh by the way, Muse tonight ...

English Summer Rain - seems to last for ages...

2004-12-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone. I'm back. Temporarily at least.

Things have been, as Kitten would say, "Uber busy" recently. We are still fighting the Battle of her fiancial aid, and we are having to move house.

However, still deeply in love and waist deep in kink, you'll be pleased to know, I'm sure.

I'll post again soon.

Best wishes to you all,

Maelstrom.

i

"Encore ...Encore ..."

2004-11-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

I lay back on the bed next to Kitten, having given her a long, stiff fucking. The bedroom is lit softly by the street lights filtering through the curtains, I graze my hand over her body and she sighs. I squeeze her breasts and pinch her nipples whilst stroking her head gently.

She wriggles as I whisper in her ear “You’re my slut, my beautiful, filthy slut ..” and she moans in response “Yes, Master…”

I slide my hand down between her legs and run my fingers along her hot slit, feeling my cum mixed with her juices. I draw this up onto her clit, and rotate my finger - then slide it back down to her cunt and slip two fingers deep inside her. She arches her back and cries out.

“Imagine a Concert Hall”, I whisper as I continue to work her, “the audience is dressed in evening wear, and on the stage is a bed…”

She softly moans a “Yes, Sir…”

“… they are gathered to hear a recital … a recital of you being played like a musical instrument … they want to hear the music you make as you sigh, moan and cry out as your pleasure is drawn from you …”

“Oh yes….”

“You’re now laying on that bed, your legs apart and your wet, open, dripping cunt is facing the audience …”

She wriggles, moans and emits sharp cries as my fingers stroke and play her pussy softly then firmly.

“ … now they’re watching you being worked – watching my hand fucking you… some have opera glasses and are using them to get a close look …”

I saw her eyes were half open and hazy, and her face was flushed with pleasure. As she approached orgasm, my hand moved faster and faster, and I bit her nipple.

“ … the audience is leaning forward … they’re straining to hear you … louder, Kitten, louder …”

I leant forward and kissed her, pushing my tongue between her lips. As she sucked hard on my tongue, her moans increased in volume.

She then broke from me, and her body began to convulse.

“They’re on their feet now … applauding you … MORE, MORE, they’re shouting …”

She grabbed my hand, held it tight to her cunt and rode it as I forced two fingers deep into her and ground her clit with the base of my thumb.

Suddenly she screamed out loud, whilst writhing and bucking as the orgasm flowed through her like a torrent.

She then slowly came down and we lay in each others arms … sated.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you - the performance is over.

"Morning Morgantown..."

2004-11-03T01:28:00.000-08:00

Well ... looks like President Bush has made it again. Talk of dirty tricks on both sides - African-Americans been told they don't need to vote until tomorrow, Some joker impersonating Norman Schwarzkopf telling folks to vote Democrat.

Doesn't mask the reality for me ... the world is a lot less safe for us all since before 9/11 ... the War on Terror will never be won without talking (and don't think Governments never negotiate - The British Government held secret talks with the IRA when both sides realised their war was futile) and the only ones to profit are those with oil interests and those with contracts out in Iraq. Guess who?

Osama Bin Laden is still on the loose, innocent Iraqi men, women and children still being killed, along with the hopes and dreams of so many American and British mothers and fathers. Not to mention the horrific treatment handed out to hostages.

So ... America ... you've voted for 4 more years of this?

My heart goes out to ALL those who have lost loved ones - and I sympathise with those Americans who see through the bluster and rabble rousing crap pumped out day by day, but have to put up with the stigma that being American carries throughout the World today.

I just think it's sad that the only experience many Americans have of the World is to be flown out somewhere to kill someone, then be flown home again.

Final thought from Michael Franti ...

"Television, the drug of the nation, breeding ignorance and feeding radiation"

Thank you.

Ch-Ch- Ch- Ch-Changes ...

2004-10-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Get a grip, son.

Kitten loves teaching BDSM, but more importantly she loves me and everything she does is for my good.

In fact, everything we do is for each other.

As yesterday evening wore on, we went for a meal and the restaurant filled up with braying, opinionated arseholes - just what makes me hate London - so many shallow people in one place. What's the collective word for that?

My mood got worse when it should have got better and I feel bad about that.

When we got home, I tried to explain how I felt, but ended up going to bed and then Kitten came in and we talked.

She told me there are things she can't talk to me about ... important things that bother her, and I felt sad. She said she wished she was a different person, and was away from here.

I stayed awake until 3:00 a.m.- well that was the last time I checked my watch - and watched over her as she slept. Christ, I love her so much.

This morning I woke at 7:00, had a shower, then got back into bed. We made love hungrily, intuitively, without exchanging a word. It was so good, it made me want to cry with happiness.

Sorry Kitten - you know I'll support you, and love you whatever you want to do.

"Ain't it just like the night, to play tricks when you're trying to be so quiet..."

2004-10-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

I sit in the car and smoke.

Looking over at the mansion block, then checking my watch I see it’s 7:30 p.m. Kitten should be out any moment.

Flicking the cigarette butt onto the pavement, I listen to the radio … then light another cigarette … then check my watch again. 7:35 p.m.

I check the entrance - no sign. People come and go, cars turn and leave whilst others take their places.

7:40 p.m. … she should have been out 10 minutes ago, my phone has been on all the time but no call to say she’s on the way.

I call her - she’s fine, and will be another 10 minutes.

I worry.

Kitten has gone to teach a course to a guy she has never met, only spoken to over the phone and she’s in his flat now.

7:45 p.m. - light another cigarette.

7:50 p.m. – look at the entrance and she emerges, looks around for the car, spots in and rushes over.

She gets in the car – ecstatic – it went fantastically well and he wants her back. I feel great, then she tells me what the course actually has involved.

Stupid, naïve, me.

I don’t know what to think. My feelings towards her haven’t changed at all – I still love her totally, immensely, feverishly. She is the breath I take. I suddenly feel like I’ve let her down in some way that I can’t explain. I’ve moved mountains to get us where we are and will continue to do so, but I feel that, somehow, I’ve let her down.

WTF?

As we drive back she asks me how I would feel if she became a full-time Dominatrix again - the money would be great. Not the best reason to give, as money is never a motivation for me – in fact I despise people who feel they can buy you.

It’s all too much for my tired, hungry brain to process, and I try to formulate a reasonable response…

“Let me think it over…”

I want her to be happy and this makes her happy. End of story?

"At 8 o'clock she's up with the cock...."

2004-10-14T03:51:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to go to work and Kitten is still sick.

As I get set to go, she gets up and walks into the living room ... she wraps her arms around me, holds me tight and kisses me softly, then firmly, on the lips.

"I love being your wife ... I'm sure you've got time ..." she purrs.

"Go back to the bedroom, Kitten"

I follow her in and she sits on the bed. I take off my jacket, and drop my trousers - presenting her with my stiffening cock - her cock.

She strokes it, licks it, then takes it slowly into her mouth, drawing it deep into her mouth as I gently thrust my hips forward.

She licks, slurps and feasts on my cock until I withdraw and tell her to get on all fours.

She scoots round on the bed and gets on her hands and knees, her firm round ass pushed up and back to me.

I take up my position behind her and slowly rub the tip of my swollen cock along her cunt, testing the wetness, before slipping it firmly deep inside her. She gasps, then sighs "Oh Master ..." as I begin to pump rhythmically into her.

As I increase the speed, deeper and harder, her moans and sighs increase and she eventually cries out and slumps forward.

But I'm not finished yet, and drag her up on her knees again, push her forward and down, and continue harder deeper and faster...

Eventually my balls begin to tingle and my cock twitch ... then I feel the orgasm rip through my balls, cock, thighs and belly, and I spurt my hot load of cum deep into her...

I withdraw and she rolls over.

I lay beside her and begin to stroke her clit - using my warm, smooth cum as lube.

Soon her back arches and another orgasm tears through her, and she opens her eyes wide and cries out ...

I dress, hug her, kiss her ... then go to work. It's pouring - "English summer rain, seems to last for ages..." - but I have a smile playing on my lips and a spring in my step.

Mists and mellow fruitfulness...

2004-10-13T03:22:00.000-07:00

...or, in the case of London, grey skies and rain with the sun facing a never ending battle to push it's way through...

On top of all the other pressures, I've just had the flu ... which I kindly passed onto Kitten!

She, being the wonderful person she is, produced bowls of Matzo ball soup which seemed to do the trick - for me at least, as I'm back at work while she is still at home ill.

More later...

I'm still standin' ...

2004-09-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

better than I've ever been ... just horrendously busy...

I haven't forgotten you all and normal Service will be resumed as soon as possible...

"It ain't what you do ... it's the way that you do it ..."

2004-09-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

I sit on the bed and kick off my shoes. Kitten follows me in and sits behind me. We look at the room and at the open suitcase with clothes spilling out.

“Good to see we have tidied up the important things in our lives …” I say, then smile and nod my head towards the crops and floggers neatly hanging in the corner.

Kitten giggles … and our eyes meet.

I reach for the collar.

“Put this on”

She does so, and I clip the leash on

I slip out of my clothes and stand before her. She instinctively reaches forward and strokes my hardening cock then cups my balls. She knows that stroking behind my balls makes my cock pulse and twitch to rock hardness. She looks up at me with her big, almond shaped, brown eyes.

“Lay down, Kitten, and put your hands behind your head”

She lays back, and the cold shiny chain drapes over her breast and I watch the nipple harden.

I pick up the wrist restraints, encase her wrists then clip them together. Taking the leash from the collar, I clip it to the restraints and then fix it to the handle of the fitted wardrobe door.

I climb on the bed, roughly part her legs and enter her without a further word being spoken….

I start to slowly fuck her, watching my cock slide in and out and start to glisten with her juices, and I tease her clit with my fingers.

“Please … fuck me hard Master…”
“So you want a good stiff fucking, Kitten?”
“Yes Master”

I lean forward and fully enter her, driving deep and hard. She cries out and grips the leash, then I start to ride her hard. I then sit back, grab her ankles and raise her legs – closing them before me whilst continuing to fuck her - long strokes using the full length of my cock from the tip to my balls.

I then open her legs wide and push them back, moving my grip from her ankles to behind her knees, and start to fuck her fast and hard. After a while I feel my balls bursting and I shoot deep within her. I still remain hard and continue – taking her over the edge and then I feel another orgasm approach…this one is electric and sends tingles all down my legs…

I sit back, then lay down next to her, and begin to stroke her sopping pussy, drawing my cum out and smearing it over her clit…she closes her eyes, pushes her head back, arches her back and begins to feel the pleasure flooding through her…

Fantasy

2004-09-17T02:28:00.000-07:00

Addressing the issue of fantasy in our D/s relationship, I suppose my vivid imagination could be down to being an avid reader when I was a kid.

I devoured books – from Grimm’s Fairy Tales and Treasure Island, through dictionaries (sad or what!!!) to history books.

In fact I’ll pick up and read anything … I even read those free giveaway offer leaflets for PC’s you find in magazines, and take-away menu’s for restaurants I’ll never go to… Shit, I've just read that the chewing gum I'm eating has a laxative effect ...

I’m a read-a-holic.

Couple that with loving movies – I remember every Sunday afternoon the tee vee would show a classic Black and White movie, and seeing Guys and Dolls made me realise a sharp suit is really the only way to go (R.I.P. Sky Masterson …) – and a fertile imagination was born.

Add to the mix a high sex drive and way hay … you’re in business!

Your Cabana boy, rebellious Stable Lad, Lord of the Manor, Horny Tube passenger...

"I must down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky ..."

2004-09-16T05:18:00.000-07:00

Autumn in England is beautiful. Soft light, warm days, wind.

The season of mists and mellow fruitfulness as the geezer said.

It makes me realise how much I miss the sea. I haven't been sailing for about 5 months now. and the salt has leeched away from my bones.

"I must down to the sea again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied"

Since I split up with Y, no one I sailed with has been in touch with me. I've e-mailed them, but ... nada.

"Sometimes I think,in all the World,
The saddest thing to be ...

Old Admirals who feel the wind,
and never put to sea..."

Kitten and I rowed last night. I She had a call from a friend late - when we were making love. I don't know why, but it made me feel sad.

I tried to explain, but came across as a selfish jealous cunt - something I'm not. If anything I'm too selfless. I know she feels lonely and misses friends.

"all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over".

Anyway, we had a tiff, then went to bed and held each other as we went to sleep.

Today everything feels good again.

Sorry Kitten.

"Hand in glove ...."

2004-09-13T02:43:00.000-07:00

Paris … The Eiffel Tower, Place de la Concord, Le Champs Elysses, L’Arc de Triomphe, Musee Louvre, Sacre Couer … City of Light … especially beautiful when bathed in warm autumn sunshine, and rinsed by showers.

We walked round Paris and talked, debated, argued, cried, sat in silence, then touched, hugged, kissed, made love.

We sorted out a lot of issues in our time away, and opened our hearts to each other – more so than usual, and that’s saying something – coming to the conclusion that we love each other intensely, and are devoted to each other whatever shit life decides to chucks at us.

“We may be hidden by rags, but we’ve something they’ll never have….”

Kitten has to register at school again – they’ve fucked up as usual – sort out her financial aid, and we need to go back to get her new visa. Unfortunately, this costs money. And it’s a real balancing act at the moment, as I’m trying to run two flats – keeping up the mortgage on my old flat whilst it gets sold, and paying for our new place.

But I’ll stop there – don’t want to send you good people to sleep….

Anyway, I’ve also been to Paris before with someone else, and Kitten was planning a trip here with someone else, so … bit o’ baggage around.

I’ve suggested we visit Madrid next – somewhere neither of us has been before…!

It was interesting how much people stared at Kitten and I ... though she is incredibly beautiful.

“Into each life some rain must fall…”

2004-09-09T07:11:00.000-07:00

Seems like its open season on Kitten and me.

We are good people. We are good hearts. We love each other and care for each other with an intensity, yet, as the saying goes, when one door closes … another shuts.

I’ve been pushing the sale of my flat through as I need the money, yet it’s stalled at the moment as is Kittens financial aid money. We have everything except some level of financial security at the moment and, unfortunately, I’m a born worrier. At least we both are working.

The seas are so stormy at the moment, I know that when we reach our safe harbour, it’s just gotta be a REALLY great place.

Sorry, Kitten. I try not to worry as I know my worry gets to you, and that hurts me.

All my Love, now and always, M.

p.s. you looked absolutely, radiantly beautiful in your wedding dress – seeing you took my breath away.

Maid in Heaven ...

2004-09-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

I returned home after a hard day in the City – spent in my Club.

I rang for the maid, and she eventually appeared, looking slightly dishevelled.

“Get me a drink – a small glass of Calvados”

“Yes your Lordship” she replied and walked over to the drinks. As she returned with a shot glass full to the brim, she spilt some on the carpet.

“Careful!” I reprimanded her.

“Sorry, Sir “ she replied, but she had a slight smirk on her face.

“I was talking to your Mistress earlier and she tells me you’ve been down to the stables …again”

“I was only delivering a message Sir …”

“DON’T ANSWER ME BACK, GIRL…I think you spend too much time there … chasing the lads I suppose….”

“No ... sir.”

I looked at her and saw her insolent face and fiery eyes … she needs taming again I thought to myself.

“Take off my shoes and socks". I commanded.

As she knelt at my feet I admired her figure in the tight white shirt and short skirt, her heels emphasising her fine legs and calves. After she had taken off my shoes and socks, she stayed at my feet and I prised open her shirt front with my foot.

“Why aren’t you wearing a bra? You know the strict house rules on uniforms”

“Sorry Sir, I was in a rush…”

“You have to make time to dress properly. Perhaps you’ve left it somewhere …. Like the stables?”

“No Sir, honest Sir…” she pleaded and looked at me with her big brown eyes.

“Go and make up my room. I’ll be in to check when I’ve finished my drink.”

“Yes Sir.” She rose and wandered out of the room. Her hips swayed and I swear she was taunting me with her firm, round arse.

I finished my drink and retired to the bedroom. She had sloppily made up the bed and there were clothes, and my riding equipment, still lying around.

“This is intolerable”

“Why Sir?” she smirked.

“I’ve told you before about the standards here and it’s as if you openly defy me”

“Oh no sir….” Her eyes met mine.

“Look down when you address me, girl…”

Her eyes fell and I dropped my coat on the floor. I told her to pick up my coat and hang it in the closet. As she bent over, her skirt rose and I saw her naked buttocks.

“What are the rules on underwear?” I barked at her. “I suppose you had no time to put any pants on?”

“Sorry Sir”

“You leave me no choice … bend over.” She stood motionless.

“BEND OVER”

She did so and I raised her short pleated skirt over her bare cheeks and rested it on the small of her back.

“I’m going to spank you now, girl – I think you know why … constant insolence, defiance of my standards and poor work…”

She shook her head.

“DON’T DEFY ME …”

I started the punishment. Firm smacks, increasing in strength as her cheeks quickly reddened. I had her count them out. “Fifteen …seventeen” She tried to trick me but I just gave her more. By the fiftieth stroke she was wriggling, but not complaining – and I could smell the juices between her legs.

She raised her head and her eyes defied me.

“Open your legs”

She did not respond so I roughly pushed them apart. As I probed her sopping cunt, her hands flew round.

“So … it looks like I’ll have to bind you, slut.”

“Please, no Sir…”

I bound her wrists and then reached for my favourite flogger.

“Now we’ll see if you still cheek me girl…”

Her eyes blazed defiantly, so I reached for a blindfold, placed it over her eyes, and began the flogging

After ten strokes she was wriggling – after twenty she was crying out – after fifty she was moaning. After the hundredth stroke she was silent yet breathing hard and in rhythm with the flogger.

I then ordered her on all fours, and she slowly rose, lifting her red hot arse towards me. I quickly pulled her hands back and bound her wrists to her ankles…her swollen, dripping cunt was pushed up to me.

I lowered my trousers and entered her. Hard and deep.

I rode her slow and deep, shallow and fast, and she moaned, sighed and eventually cried out as I shot a jet of hot cum deep inside her.

“You know you deserved that punishment maid … yet I’ll keep you on … in fact, from now on, I will let no other provide for me…”

“Thank you, your Lordship” she sighed…

"We were born before the wind …"

2004-08-26T01:58:00.000-07:00

We have talked. Kitten is feeling much better, and reassures me she will tell me her health worries.

I put it down to stress (there's work, plus we still have one wedding to finalise, one wedding to arrange, one wedding to explain to her family), tiredness (we’ve been travelling so much recently, between London and San Francisco, and London and the North), and her having the decorators in.

I feel so happy with her – I know we are newly weds and all that, but it just feels so right, natural and easy to be together. It’s odd that we should be so compatible (Christ, we even find ourselves walking in step like soldiers on parade…and walk down stairs together like a Busby Berkley musical happening) given we were born apart in time, distance and ethnicity, but we are.

True Love.

And it makes me very, very happy.

We went to bed last night and made love for ages. We melted together with ease and I rode her steady and hard before I came ... then gently until I came again - a deep intense orgasm. I lay next to her, shiny with sweat, and gave her another final orgasm before we snuggled up together and went to sleep.

Tonight we are going shopping to find her some lingerie for the wedding and wedding night ...

First cut is the deepest ....

2004-08-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

The light is soft in the tiled bathroom, the scent of soap and warm water hangs in the air.

I undress, sit down and lean back. My legs are apart, my hardening cock and my balls hanging in space.

Kitten kneels between my legs and gently strokes my cock to hardness. She looks up at me with her big brown eyes and smiles softly before applying the soap to her hands and massaging it into my cock and balls.

As she continues, a droplet of pre-cum pushes it’s way out and glints in the light.

I moan softly.

My eyes close and I feel the warm sweet sensation flow through my loins to my arms legs, hands and feet.

I then feel the cool metal of the razor skate across my skin and hear the crackle of hair being shorn. She runs the razor the length of my cock, from the base to the edge of the head – I hear her rinse it out, then repeat on the other side.

It feels amazing, and she continues carefully removing all the hair, before lifting my cock and starting on my balls. Each stroke of the razor caresses and teases, and her grip makes my cock harder and harder.

She finishes by shaving behind my balls, the most sensitive part and I nearly pass out with pleasure.

“Okay, Master … all done … rinse off…!”

I stand in the shower and rinse off. My cock and balls feel so smooth and soft and extremely sensitive to the touch.

We retire to the bedroom and I lay back and spread my legs.

“Give me head, Kitten…”
“…Yes Master…”

She scoots down the bed, gets on all fours and slowly takes my smooth, slick, hard cock deep into her mouth ….

"I said, hey good looking ..."

2004-08-19T06:03:00.000-07:00

180804 Wed evening - I brush past Kitten on my way to the fridge. She stands at the counter chopping vegetables, still wearing her work clothes. Pink shirt, white sweater, very short grey skirt, nylons. She’s kicked off her heels but still looks so fucking sexy, concentrating on the job in hand.

I walk back past her and gently raise her skirt. I sense her smile. I gently stroke her ass, then slide my hand between her legs. I feel the moist warmth through her pants, and can smell her scent.

I ease down her nylons and pants and nylons and slip them from her feet. I slowly rise, kissing the outside of her legs and slowly running my hands up inside – her calves, her knees her thighs – before burying my hand in her cunt. She's sopping wet.

She rocks forward and spreads her legs.

“Twenty smacks each side, Kitten …”
“Yes please, Master…”

I start off, firm smacks followed by a lingering squeeze and stroke, and her buttocks quickly show red. Kitten’s breathing gets heavier, and my cock gets harder as the count increases.

Then the allotted punishment is over …

“To the Bedroom … now.”
“Yes Master”

We walk to the bedroom and I take off my shirt.

“Keep all you clothes on, Kitten…”
“Yes Master”

“Imagine you’re in your office and I’ve just walked in. I sit down and start watching you as you sit at your desk.”
“Yes Master …”

“I’m admiring your figure and looking at your legs. You know this but pretend not to have noticed, and then stand up and walk around showing off your legs and your short skirt … bending over to pick things up and flashing me your panties”
“Oh yes, Master…”

“You look at me and I smile and let my hand fall to my crotch and gently stroke as my cock pushes a bulge in my trousers … you smile back and blush”

I push Kitten back on the bed, drop my trousers and raise her short skirt and roughly spread her legs, grabbing her ankles. I lean forward and let the tip of my cock run the length of her cunt, before pushing it slowly, deeply home.

“I then call you over and, as you approach, I grab you and pull you down onto the coffee table. I turn you over and hold your wrists behind your back before ripping off your pants. I unzip my pants and then enter you hard from behind …”

I start off with long deep thrusts then alternate with quick shallow strokes, then back to deeper and harder. Kittens brow shows small beads of perspiration. Her eyes are closed, her mouth open, her breathing hard and fast.

Finally I come – a great rush of pleasure roars through me as I stare deep into Kittens eyes….

I kiss her forehead, her neck and her lips then withdraw and watch my come oozing out of her cunt…

I sniff and smell the food burning … Oh well, never mind.

"Take me out tonight ..."

2004-08-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

We made it.

From an e-mail, through some phone calls, some meetings and much heart searching, love grew, blossomed and now blooms.

Blooming love.

I reckon I'm the happiest man alive.

We went to California - a place I miss so much already - and we got married.

Mike & Diane
Master & Kitten
Owner & Slave
Husband & Wife

We wanted to be discreet, but what the hell ... we ended up on ABC News.

I think it sums up our love. Never half measures, always positive - even in the difficult times.

Thanks Jimmy for being there for us.

Thanks Kitten for taking me on.

Thanks whoever/whatever made me, on a cold and lonely day, log on to a certain site on a certain day and send a short cheeky e-mail to a certain person.

"There is a light that never goes out ..."

The heat goes on ... and the heat goes on...

2004-08-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

Northern California ... beautiful, shimmering heat, full of energy - cool relaxed and friendly. Just like Kitten.

We were alone in the house. We sat on the sofa and kissed. Kitten arched her back and pressed her body close to mine.

I held her close and drew in a deep breath of her.

"Let's take a shower ..."

We went to the bathroom and Kitten shook out her long curly hair - when she lets her mane free, it's such a turn-on. We undressed facing each other, watching each other, devouring each other with our eyes, and stepped into the shower.

We held each other as the water poured over us, and then kissed and carressed each other. I squeezed her breasts, bit her nipples and she moaned and her eyes closed. I slid my hand between her legs and stroked her pussy.

"Bend over Kitten ..."

She did so and I entered her from behind, the water of the shower hitting my neck and pouring down my chest to my groin and balls. As I thrust in and out, my cock felt the heat of Kittens pussy, then the cooler water, then her heat again. God, this was good ... I grabbed her hips, thrust deeper and felt my loins itch as the delicious tingle began to build.

It got stronger, spreading outwards through my chest and thighs to my arms, hands and feet, then ... BANG ... it hit me like an electric shock, making my muscles spasm and my head spin. I can just and so stay standing up as the feeling pours through me and finally subsides.

Kitten turns, smiles up at me, and takes me in her arms ...

More ...

2004-08-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

16. I'm very ticklish, but vehemently deny this.
17. I love the sea
18. I love yachts
19. I love cricket
20. I hate golf ... correction, I REALLY hate golf.
21. I'm an eye and smile man.
22. I like blue
23. my eyes are olive green
24. I like the first mouthful of ice cold beer, then it's attraction pales.
25. Similarly, I like the first drag on a cigarette, then I can chuck it.
26. I'm tidy
27. I once electrocuted myself
28. I'm a flaneur
29. I like animals
30. I can just and so swim.

"These are the things ..."

2004-08-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm made of ...

1. I'm a socialist - note the small "s"
2. I'm a Northerner - note the large "N"
3. I love food, but don't eat much.
4. I talk funny - well, it makes people laugh ...
5. I love suits
6. I hate shorts
7. I love laughter
8. I love people but hate governments
9. I can still get by in Arabic
10. I think I say things but apparently don't
11. I'm white, but have been subject to a racial incident ... by whites. Go figure
12. I love Mytholgy - Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Norse ...
13. I have very sensitive skin
14. I love Paintings
15. I hate novelty socks and ties.

more to follow

"Ain't it just like the night ...

2004-07-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

... to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet..."

290704 Thu - Whilst on the way home last night (I'd been to see Troy – great fights but, blimey, sooooo drawn out the rest of the time) I met a work colleague at London Bridge station. As we chatted away I noticed a beautiful girl standing alone. I tried to catch her eye, but she was looking down all the time.

We boarded the train and, as there was only one seat, I offered it to her. She smiled and thanked me, then sat down. As I was only going one stop I was glancing at her whilst chatting, and she occasionally met my gaze.

I smiled.
She smiled ... and then shyly looked down.

As the train stopped, I waited to see what she would do. She rose to leave the train. I followed her off and, as she approached the stairs to the lift, she turned briefly, smiled then skipped up the stairs….

By the lifts, we stood next to each other so I reached forward, brushing her arm, and pressed the Call Lift button, whilst looking in her eyes.

I smiled.
She smiled.

As the lift rose I was watching her – she was beautiful, with big brown eyes, a lovely mouth, and a fantastic body. She was aware of me, I could tell, but listening to her I-Pod, and studiously avoiding my eyes whilst a smile played on her lips and she gazed at the ceiling…

We left the lift and she walked off ahead of me and out of the station … I followed about 10 yards behind, entranced by her movement as she walked. She passed some security guys, and one said “hello…”, but she ignored him. As I walked past I heard one say…”Imagine fucking her, she’s gorgeous….”

She strode through the dim backstreets of Borough, winding down different streets, turning right then left, until she turned one corner and I saw her disappear into a doorway – but not before glancing back at me and smiling. I entered the block, and slowly followed her up the stairs. First floor. She unlocked her door, walked in, but left it ajar. I waited with my heart beating…. then entered. I walked in and, hearing movement, turned left into a bedroom. She was laying on the bed. Looking up at me.

“I’ve been wanting to fuck you since I saw you on the Tube…”
“I know…” she said… “Well …?”

I threw my jacket off and fell onto her, pulling off her blouse and bra and smothering her breasts with kisses. She was moaning loudly. I then pushed up her skirt and ripped down her pants. She drew in a sharp breath. I could smell her musky sex, and knew she was very wet. I peeled her lips apart, dropped my pants, and pressed my cock to the entrance to her cunt – then entered her roughly.

She cried out and tore my shirt off as I thrust hard, fast and deep. She drew her legs back and I pushed deep into her. I sped up my rhythm and the head-board banged and crashed against the wall in time with my pumping…

“You’ve been dying for this … itching for my cock ever since you saw me…”
“Oh yes…”

I felt my body tingle and my orgasm build up inside me before it tore through me and I pumped hot cum into her….

I relaxed and leant forward and kissed her on the breasts, the mouth and the forehead…

“That was fantastic… I love you Kitten…”

“I love you too, Master….”

"Home at last ...."

2004-07-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

260704 Mon – leave Kitten to sleep and get on with sorting day-to-day things out.

She finally arrived at Heathrow at 21:45 last night after a tedious journey on Virgin Atlantic – remember the name. The plane from San Francisco developed a fuel problem so was diverted to Boston.

“Don’t panic folks” but why was the runway lined by Fire engines, Police cars and Ambulances, and why was the plane boarded by armed police??? She fought tooth and nail – a wonderful vision – to get on the next flight to England. Some were less lucky/stroppy and are no doubt still in Boston.

So, after an emotional re-union and a big, big hug – she looked absolutely fantastic – and then helping another passenger bound for Beirut (lost baggage). We were alone. I pulled out Kittens new black collar and clipped it around her neck. We were together at last. We drove back after midnight into London. She fixed up the I-Trip, then sat back – her short khaki tennis skirt riding up her legs.

I reached over and began to stroke her knee, then her inner thigh. She has such soft, smooth skin. She moaned softly as we drove along and as I reached higher, rubbing her through her pants, she simply sighed “Get us home…quickly” then began to knead my erection through my trousers …

We got home and went straight to bed … no fuss, no preliminaries, we hurriedly undressed and scrambled into bed. I held her in my arms – God, how I’ve missed her warmth, her scent, her smile, her laughter, her eyes, her arms, fingers, breasts, thighs, cunt. I felt her soaking wet sex and then entered her. We fucked. Slow, fast, shallow, deep, soft, hard … long.

Riding her and gazing into her eyes and hearing her softly call my name ... was divine.

“Stay, O sweet, and do not rise;
the light that shines comes from thine eyes”;

"Sunday Mornin' ... Day is Dawnin' ..."

2004-07-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

250704 Sun - Have I used that title before? Apologies if I have. When you get to my age ... well....

I always seem to recall the Velvets on a Sunday. Brings back memories of lazy days when nothing would be open and I'd just eat toast all day and mooch around my flat... How England has changed. It's all consumer madness in ill-fitting leisure wear these days. Why do people all dress alike? I see Grandfathers, Fathers and sons all wearing the same England Shirt, Shorts, dark socks and white trainers. When I was kid it was an aspiration to dress smart - get a lovely suit ... less of the moaning, man.

Anyway - to Heathrow to pick up Kitten.

The flight was due in at 10:30, however dur to problems it was diverted to Boston (Mass, not Lincs.) and they said it should be back @16:30. Go back to Heathrow to be told that it's now expected at 20:35. I now know every inch of the M4.

Funnily enough, the sweet guy on the Virgin Atlantic desk said, as I stood there with a big bunch of deep red roses ... "The San Francisco flight? She should arrive at ... er, I assume she's a she?" When I said "Yep, she's very much a she...", you could see the relief on his face.... I wonder why the San Franciso flight could have confused him ..?!?!?

Anyway I'm driving back there now ... with a wilted bunch of roses and a song in my heart ...

... and that song is ...

"There is a light that never goes out ......."

Going to the Chapel...

2004-07-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

So.

Sept 11 ... San Francisco ... Kitten and I are to be spliced.

We visited my family and they loved her - especially my nephew and Godson. Though she hardly understood half of what those pesky Northerners were saying...

And her worries are over as her family have also given their blessing.

I feel as if my life has started. I feel so much joy deep within me and I love her so much. I can't find words at the moment to capture how much I adore her - how she has transformed me and made me want to live again, and how much I want to make her life as happy and fulfilled as she has made mine.

So I'll go and eagerly prepare for her return ...

I love you now and always, and I miss you so badly Kitten.

Master.

Ladies and Gentlemen ...

2004-07-23T05:54:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately my cack-handed attempt to add a picture has rather screwed things up visually ... the links now appear right at the bottom of the page. Apologies to my "linkees". I hope normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

"Because the night ..."

2004-07-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

I lay awake in the semi darkness ... the soft orange glow of a street light permeates through the curtains and warms the room ... gone midnight.

I can't sleep, so I roll onto my right side and reach out for Kitten.

But she's not here. She has gone back to see her family in San Francisco.

I clutch the two pillows she sleeps on and hug them tight, drawing her soft warm scent into me as I wrap my arms and legs around them.

She has been gone just over 12 hours and I miss her already - her energy and warmth and love. The flat is so quiet, listening to music reminds me of her, but it can't fill the void. I wonder if I could ever listen to some songs if we parted. I doubt it. It would be salt on a too raw wound, as music plays such an important part in our love.

So I give up and try to read some poetry.

I grab the nearest book and sit in bed. Flicking it open ... my oh my...

ELEGY XIX. TO HIS MISTRESS GOING TO BED
By John Donne

Come, madam, come, all rest my powers defy,
Until I labor, I in labor lie.
The foe oft-times having the foe in sight,
Is tired with standing though he never fight.
Off with that girdle, like heaven's zone glistering,
But a far fairer world encompassing.
Unpin that spangled breastplate which you wear,
That th' eyes of busy fools may be stopped there.
Unlace yourself, for that harmonious chime
Tells me from you that now it is bed time.
Off with that happy busk, which I envy,
That still can be, and still can stand so nigh.
Your gown, going off, such beauteous state reveals,
as when from flowry meads th' hill's shadow steals.
Off with that wiry coronet and show
The hairy diadem which on you doth grow:
Now off with those shoes, and then safely tread
In this love's hallowed temple, this soft bed.
In such white robes, heaven's angels used to be
Received by men; thou, Angel, bring'st with thee
A heaven like Mahomet's Paradise; and though
Ill spirits walk in white, we easily know
By this these angels from an evil sprite:
Those set our hairs on end, but these our flesh upright.
License my roving hands, and let them go
Before, behind, between, above, below.
O my America! my new-found-land,
My kingdom, safeliest when with one man manned,
My mine of precious stones, my empery,
How blest am I in this discovering thee!
To enter in these bonds is to be free;
Then where my hand is set, my seal shall be.
Full nakedness! All joys are due to thee,
As souls unbodied, bodies unclothed must be
To taste whole joys. Gems which you women use
Are like Atlanta's balls, cast in men's views,
That when a fool's eye lighteth on a gem,
His earthly soul may covet theirs, not them.
Like pictures, or like books' gay coverings made
For lay-men, are all women thus arrayed;
Themselves are mystic books, which only we
(Whom their imputed grace will dignify)
Must see revealed. Then, since that I may know,
As liberally as to a midwife, show
Thyself: cast all, yea, this white linen hence,
There is no penance due to innocence.
To teach thee, I am naked first; why than,
what needst thou have more covering than a man?
1669

As the man said...

"License my roving hands, and let them go
Before, behind, between, above, below.
O my America! my new-found-land"

I drift off to sleep ... to be woken from a disturbing dream (which, as usual, I instantly can't remember) by my mobile ringing.

It's Kitten - calling me to say she's safe with her family ... things are good, very good.

Help...

2004-07-21T03:53:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to work out how to post a picture (.jpg file) on my blog.

Any help appreciated!!!!

you can e-mail me at

mastermichael692000@yahoo.co.uk

Many thanks!!!

To Jimmy ...

2004-07-21T03:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Jimmy....

Happy Birthday to you.

Best Wishes,
Mike.

Shut up,
SHUT UP,
Shut up.

"She is the wise and wonderful, extremely beautiful, girl from outta nowhere.... "

2004-07-21T03:04:00.000-07:00

She stands looking in the mirror wearing only a blue shirt, which perfectly complements her honey coloured skin. I approach her holding her new collar – a simple black leather band with a single small steel hoop fixed in the centre for her leash.

She lowers her head and lifts her hair as I clip the collar on, then raises her eyes to fix on mine as I clip on the leash.

“Take off your shirt, Kitten …”
“Yes, Master”

She slowly takes off her shirt – her eyes never leaving mine - and then I gently tug the leash and lead her to the bedroom.

“Put on your corset, Kitten…”
“Yes, Master”

Kitten reaches out and picks up her pink and black corset – it nips in her waist and perfectly accentuates her breasts and bottom. She clips the front, and I lace and tie it tightly at the back.

“Kneel on the bed, Kitten …”
“Yes, Master.”

She hops onto the bed and kneels on all fours facing the mirrors … her eyes are so big and beautiful,and as I look at her she smiles. I stroke her buttocks and then slowly run my hand up over the lacing to caress her neck.

I clip the spreader bar onto her ankles and the restraints onto her wrists. She sighs.

“I’m going to start with a hand spanking, Kitten … 50 strokes for each cheek ..”
“Yes, Master”

I start gently to work each cheek … getting into a rhythm, and slowly increasing the force, until, by the end of the allotted number, her cheeks are flushed, and she has slumped down onto the bed. I check in with her by squeezing her hand. She squeezes the same number back. She's okay. Once Kitten gets to a certain stage, she goes very quiet so we use this purely physical way of communicating.

I stroke her body and kiss her …

“Now it’s time for the crop, Kitten”
“Uh-huh …”
“100 strokes each side…”
“Uh-huh …”

I take the crop and begin to flick it gently around her checks and onto her thighs and calves. I love the crop. It’s pink with a black handle – to match her corset, and I love the way it flexes and swishes … and the effect it has upon Kitten. Kitten has her own super sparkly crop. Fiercesome.

Again, I start slowly by flicking and tapping, and then increase the pressure as the number of strokes goes by. By the 70’s, I’m feeling fantastic – my arm, wrist and the crop seem to be one - and Kitten is wriggling and moaning beneath me, the spreader bar clinking as she constantly adjusts her position.

I finish. Check in again … Kitten seems deeper into the pleasure than before and I tell her I’m going to finish off with the paddle…making sure she answers me this time….

I choose 150 strokes of the paddle and begin, standing behind her and working each check and the back of her thighs. Again, I get into a good steady flowing rhythm which feels so good, and she responds to each blow with a sigh, a moan or a grunt…

At the end of the session, I check in (she is hazy and just starting to come down) and remove her wrist restraints and the spreader bar, then the corset, leaving the leash and collar on place. I lay next to her and hold her close as she relaxes, soothing her with my words and my touch. She is absolutely adorable, and everything to me. I never knew I could feel such love.

Before long she is asleep, so I remove the leash, pull the covers over us, kiss her forehead and lay down next to her with my arm around her.

Good night Kitten …

“It’s a big day in the North … Amour ...”

2004-07-16T03:56:00.000-07:00

160704 Fri – Last night was fantastic despite not finding the passport (I’m having to get a new one) and having to postpone our trip until August.

Kitten showed me how to tie some bondage harnesses and being Kitten and me it all went wonderfully well … ending with a bound Kitten receiving a spanking, the crop and two different floggers – the clamps being the final straw.

Afterwards I held her in my arms and stroked her to sleep. Things have been so stressful recently (due to my situation) That I just looked down at her, and caressed her and let her sleep.

Morning came and I woke up with my arm around her, cupping her into my chest. I began to run my hand gently over her skin and, as usual, my cock rose and nuzzled between her buttocks…

She rolled over to me and I stroked her breasts and sucked her nipples to hardness, whilst my other hand played between her legs. She arched her back, and I rose above her before gently opening her legs and kneeling between them before slowly entering her. I feel slight resistance - then she slowly opens and I slide in deep. I start slowly then build faster, feeling her sigh and flex beneath me. I catch sight of us in the mirror, both lost in each other and this moment.

I come – pouring my soul into her, and she smiles her warm creamy smile.

I lay next to her and gently touch her sex – probing with my fingers and circling her clit, before dipping my finger in my come and using it as lube ... she raises her back, softly sighs and her eyes go misty and half close. I love to watch her expression change as the pleasure courses through her … I love to see her face blush when she gets near to coming. She begins to squeeze her breasts and tug her nipples and then wriggles, cries out and kicks her legs as her orgasm floods through her… I hold her close. “I love you Kitten…”

We pack – we’re heading up North to meet my parents this weekend - and I drive her to work.

She’s very quiet on the way and I know something is wrong, I park up and as she is about to get out of the car I ask her again to talk to me. She says “Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I’m not the right person for you…

"Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes......"

2004-07-16T03:19:00.000-07:00

150704 Thu – Spent the day trying to find my passport and organising the sale of my flat. Heavy. Y was there and spent the whole time walking around bad mouthing.

I need my passport to go to San Francisco – no passport, no trip. I know it was in the flat – I left in next to the PC – but now it’s nowhere to be found. Turn the place upside down. No joy. Feel sick. Y denies ever seeing it, but shows me hers. Cheers.

Valuers turn up and say they’ll write to me, then Y picks up the phone and insults my Mother, who is ill at the moment.

It’s at moments like this that I see how people disappear – how people just get pushed beyond being able to calmly, rationally cope with things, and walk off into the sunset. If it wasn’t for Kittens love, I fear that’s what I’d do.

I’ve done a lot of research into the effects of what happened to me and the upshot is for 30 years I’ve being formulating defence mechanisms to handle the guilt and shame of what was done to me and what I allowed to happen.

These consisted of always wanting to try to do what other people wanted (as a way of avoiding the subject of my abuse ever being touched upon by being agreeable and keeping a low profile), and always being ultra cautious about ever step I take … kind of sounding out situations as being “safe” before venturing in, and keeping my opinions to myself. I also tried to sort things out without asking for help … coping alone was a way of life whilst appearing to have a normal happy life.

Another manifestation was reckless behaviour – I can’t swim to save my life, yet have been bowman on over 10,000 miles of offshore yacht racing – more than once being overboard and hauled back on deck, and lapsing into “chaos”, where everything, even a simple task, becomes blurred and just totally unmanageable – that’s when I used to start walking for hours – the simple act of moving soothed me.

So that was where I was before I met Kitten. Amongst people, but totally alone within a body I despised and felt was soiled. Hence the rather large alcohol consumption and rather meagre food consumption.

She has transformed me. She has made life worth living and made me realise that there is a reason for battling through this world. I’m changing the way my mind worked for so long - and it's difficult at times to unlearn behaviours, to sort of "de-Pavlov" myself. I’m at last opening up.

As I lied to her, you may say I’m not worth the effort – maybe I’m not.

She is my life, my soul. To say I love her is to say that without her there is no light, no hope, no point. To see her smile, makes my heart miss a beat. And to gaze into her eyes is to glimpse paradise.

"They can't find a good word for me ... I can ...

2004-07-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

Twat.

To misquote John Cooper Clarke, that's exactly what I am.

a stupid, lying, fucked up twat.

I tried to keep things hidden from Kitten. In a vain attempt to clear up my problems without involving her, and sort things out myself, I deceived her.

Kitten - the best person to ever happen to me.

"Alright, already, we'll all float on okay ...."

2004-07-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

120704 Mon - met Kitten after work. She looked wonderful, attracting the attention of every passer by.

We got the Tube home and I told her to go into the bedroom and get on the bed.I was going to punish her for being recalcitrant to me on the way home. She hopped onto the bed and knelt on all fours.

I reached for the switch and swished it around in the air - what a wonderful sound it makes...

"100 hundred strokes ... each side."

"Yes Master"

I started to gently caress her buttocks with the switch and then tap lightly, warming her up, before hoisting up her skirt around her waist. I then saw she had put more pants on, so I yanked them down to her ankles ... and began.

As the strokes increased, her eyes softly closed and she began to sigh, then moan. Her breathing became deep and hoarse, and she pushed back into each new stroke as her cheeks reddened.

After the alloted punishment, I felt between her legs and she was saoking wet. I told she was now going to get a stiff fucking to finish off.

"Thank you, Master..."

I dropped my trousers, grabbed her round the waist and pushed deep into her ... she cried out and I began thrusting hard and fast whilst watching her reaction in the mirrors. She looked so beautiful, my Kitten ... gazing back at me with her big, honey brown eyes.

As I slowed down and then increased the pace, I felt my orgasm approaching and came deep inside her ... I withdrew and watched my cum slowly ooze out of her onto the bed.

After Dinner, we looked at each other in that certain way and said "Let's Play ..."

We returned to the bedroom and undressed. I reached for the ribbon and tied it gently around her neck ...

"Put your hands out in front of you, Kitten..."
"Yes Master"

I then bound her wrists, stroked her shoulders and kissed her.

"Lay down on your back"

She lay back and pushed her hands over her head and spread her legs.

I'm reached for the clothes pins and, after hardening her nipples applied one to each. Kitten winced but then smiled. I then applied more to her vagina lips - again she winced but sighed and smiled...

I squirted some lube on my fingers and then began to work her clit.

Soon she was bucking and moaning and I was telling her how she is my beautiful slut kitten ... always wet for her Master, who wishes only to make her come again and again ... and she did.

I removed the clamps and caressed and stroked her and this had the usual effect of making me hard all over again, so I mounted her and fucked her again - long and hard this time until I was dripping with sweat.

We then entered a sublime world where we became one ... purely giving and receiving pleasure to each other - nothing else mattered or existed and we became a totally sensual entity ... and came and came.

It was awesome.

Afterwards we sat - silent and satisfied and smiling - nothing needed to be said. We had communicated absolutely with our bodies ...

"School's Out ... for Summer ...."

2004-07-12T03:35:00.000-07:00

090704 Fri thru 110704 Sun - Friday was a weird day, which could have been disastrous.... I bought loads of food, as we expected someone for dinner, but they pulled out at the last minute ... ho hum - weekend food sorted then! Kitten also received contact from a Dom she has played with in the past ... a dilema I'd dreaded. I want her to be fulfilled and happy in all she does, and I want to satisfy her in every way I can. Yet there is a part of her that desires heay pain and I'm not at that level of things yet. There's also a play party this weekend, but I don't feel ready yet, and I worry she will get restless with me. We discuss everything and Kitten reassures me it's not a problem, and something we can work on together. How fucking lucky am I?

After the lack of our baby, we had agreed to play a certain scene to help get over it, and we talked about the parameters over Dinner. We initially agreed to play tonight, but then put it back to tomorrow. However, as the evening wore on, things developed and, being a dunce in these matters, I began to play out the scene. It all went chaotic and fortunately Kitten, who is vastly experienced in these matters, saved the day with no recriminations ...

Saturday came and we went and booked my ticket for America - I said I'd take her and I am doing so... I can't quite believe it all really, but I'm so looking forward to it... We then went to Ikea and bought some more stuff - including a bundle of switches - can you believe it, they actually sell big bundles of swishy branches ...! I think they're called "Flogga" ;¬)... we both looked at them and smiled ...

Sunday we stayed in bed really late, making love and sleeping in each others arms ... then went out to find all the shops shut. Goode Olde Englande ...! We found an Indian restaurant, but they couldn't cook as just before we got there the power was cut off ... strange ... Goode Olde Englande!

Kitten has taken to wearing my shirts around the flat and gorgeous she looks in them too, particularly the blue ones. And so an idea occured to us, and I gave her a white shirt and my old school tie and she wore her black skirt and hey presto ... you can guess the rest (especially with the huge supply of switches we now have...)

Monday morning, I gave Kitten a spanking as she swore at me and then gave me "the finger". Very Cheeky especially as she is wearing her new "uniform" for work ... I dunno what effect she will have on her boss ... but by Crickey she is doing wonders for me ...

I love you, my sweet, delicious, slutty Kitten ...

" ... sudden waves break over me ...."

2004-07-09T05:06:00.000-07:00

080704 Thu - Got to work on time today and had breakfast too ... record breaking stuff here ...

Kitten had a hospital appointment, and the news was not good - nothing wrong with her health, thank God, but what we thought might have had happened (and it wasn't through lack of trying...) hadn't. She e-mailed me and I phoned her as soon as I got the message.

I left work early, and we met up and went home. On the way we discussed the next scene we will play - she wants a particular scenario as it helps her to overcome things - and I agree. We get back and talked and watched a DVD, and had sex - I love licking her, and, coincidentally she loves it too - then went for a walk along the river, retracing the steps we took on our first meeting - she still has yet to acquire a taste for Ruby Port - and ended up on the same bench looking at Big Ben.

We held each other then walked back - my cigarettes being thrown in the River - thank you sweetheart.

On the way back, Kitten got another bad headache and I guided her back as she had to close her eyes to ease the pain, When home we just crashed out and I gave her a neck and back massage to ease the pain and put her to sleep. I planned to play tonight, but not now.

I lay in bed, but couldn't sleep. I got up and stared out of the window then went into the kitchen and stared out of that window at the lights on the London Eye and the Tate Modern. Something was growing inside me ... one of those bad feelings which overwhelm me like the seventh wave which surges above the others and swamps the shore.

I climbed back into bed and tried to fight it but it was no good ... all the bad feelings about myself came up - my guilt over the child I never even knew existed and other things - and I felt the pain of todays news hit me hard. I couldn't stop crying or even talk about it - I'm best just being held while it all comes out - and when I could tell Kitten - she started to cry and feel bad too ... I stroke her and reassure her that she's not at fault it's just how things are ... What a pair we must look!

Anyway we sob ourselves out and cradle each other and slowly, softly, go to sleep ...

"...thunder, lightning ... the way you love me is frightening..."

2004-07-08T02:22:00.000-07:00

070704 Wed – First day of some new rules for Kitten. I choose what she wears, she keeps her pussy nicely clean shaven and she wears no pants to work.

We shower then dress, and, as we are about to leave for work, my eagle eyes and sickth (heh heh) sense detects some undergarments being worn. I check, and sure enough, she slipped them on when my back was turned. I hoist her skirt and remove them. We leave and she shivers as the cool morning air of London sweeps up her skirt.

As we get to her station, she opens her bag to get out her ticket and I spy something white lurking within … hmmmm spare pants. I tell her NOT to wear them.

The day goes by and we meet at Starbucks … and I KNOW she’s wearing them.

“Where are your pants, Kitten? Are you wearing them?”
“Yes Master”

We leave and, walking back to the Tube, I tell her to take them off

She does … standing in the street like a common slut … much to the consternation of a passing taxi driver ... I feel my cock stiffen.

We get back to the flat, and Kitten cooks another delicious meal – we eat so healthily. Her cooking is matched by her singing ... which is so beautiful.

Then she sighs, arches her back, and pops her neck. Her head aches and her neck is sore, so I tell her to undress and go lay on the bed, and I give her a back massage.

The muscles around her shoulder blades are like knots and I give them a good firm working over. As she sighs and moans with pleasure, I sense a fuck coming on (it’s always the case that stroking her skin gives me a stiff cock) and pull her to the edge of the bed, drop my pants and enter her. We fuck hard and long and I tell her what a filthy cheap slut she was dropping her pants in public, and I want to take her out into the streets and fuck her in front of everyone …

I come with a great orgasm, which tingles to my fingers and toes…then I bring her to hers … which leaves her giggling for ages, then sleepy again.

I clear up and then, just as we are about to go out to find places to play (we live in an old area of London which has lots of backstreets and alleys), there is a huge thunderstorm. Very severe rain and thunder and lightning, so we lay on the bed in each others arms just watching and listening to the rain in the dark …

We HAVE to play tomorrow, Kitten. Although I’m new to this, now that I’ve decided to explore it, it’s something I want more and more ...

Dazed and confused...

2004-07-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

060704 Tue – We started the day on a good footing - took the morning off and lay in bed together - but then had an argument. I’m not very demonstrative about my thoughts and feelings (the English disease) and Kitten got so frustrated waiting for my answer that she caught me with the crop … on the side where she said you should never hit anyone … she quickly apologised, but I went crazy. Result? She said she didn’t ever want to play with me again, and I said that’s it - it’s over. I can’t be just a part of her life .. am I wrong?

However, thankfully, we made up and I fucked her over the kitchen counter and then pleasured her, and we went to work.

After work, I got the stuff for tea, and we met at Starbucks … things felt good again, and we made our way home, followed by a beggar who took so long to make his plea for money that most people just got bored and got off the Tube …

Kitten cooked a delicious meal. She has the natural knack all good cooks have of just doing it whilst making it look so simple.

After tea, we discussed the future and setting some rules ... I looked into her eyes … and got the ribbon.

I tied it round her neck and ordered her into the bedroom.

“Get on the bed on all fours”
“Yes Master”

She faced the mirror and I lifted her skirt, then tore down her pants. I squirted some lube onto my fingers and slid them the length of her slit before pushing them inside her. She cried out and, her head fell forward onto the bed.

“Look up at me..”
“Yes Master”

I unzipped my pants and rested my erection against her lips before pushing gently, then firmly into her. She moaned as I took her, gripping her buttocks, pumping hard, and spanking her…

I slowed down then sped up …

“Do you love me fucking you?”
“Oh yes Master”

My orgasm approached and I pushed deep as I came.

We then collapsed onto the bed and I began to play with her pussy, telling her I would get the crop out later and tie her tight before beating her for being the slut that she is…

She wiggled and moaned and thrashed about before having her orgasm … then she flaked out. I mean flaked out. I rose from the bed and went to clear up the tea stuff. As I left she said “If I’m not there in 5 minutes, send help….” Thinking she was joking, I cleared up, then tried to work the washing machine. Half an hour must have passed, when she wandered into the kitchen looking dazed … apparently the orgasm had knocked her out. So much so that she just crashed out for the night … All that play will have to be stored up for tomorrow!

"Reel 'em in ... Rawhide".

2004-07-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

050704 Mon – Busy at work and got home later than expected ... lovely smoked salmon and cream cheese blini's, and steak for Tea (I’m from the North - "Dinner" if you’re from the South).

I even remembered to buy Kitten some roses…

I cooked tea whilst we watched Kill Bill, then we cleared up, and Kitten put on her thigh boots – a terrifying prospect to most ordinary mortals I would expect, but she looked absolutely fantastic – and we played some music, and danced, then danced closer, then embraced ... and ended up fucking on the floor.

However, an interesting twist ... our flat is on the first floor, at the same level of the top deck of a double decker London bus, and has floor to ceiling windows ... and there are traffic lights outside. And the curtains were open ... and a bus happened to choose that time to stop at the aforementioned traffic light.

We both turned round to meet the stunned gaze of a open-mouthed woman on her way home from work. She was most likely thinking of watching Eastenders and making her tea when she got home, but instead saw two beautiful people (well, one anyway) fucking like rabbits on the living room floor ... then the bus pulled away.

Then it was crop lessons…

God damn it, I just couldn’t get a handle on the thing – it was very flexible - and I kept catching the wrong areas and upset Kitten, so I got so frustrated and felt pretty useless ... but practice makes perfect ... and I was getting better, honest, as the night drew to a close and we retired to bed ...

Sweetness, Sweetness, I was only joking when I said….

2004-07-05T03:14:00.000-07:00

Fri 020704 thru Sun 040704 – Friday was stress for me ... Kitten and I moved in and I was in such a state of euphoria that I lost the key to the flat and left my phone behind … klutz/dork/dope (delete as appropriate). That, coupled with the agents claiming not to have received important forms, led to me trying to think of solutions for everything and being wrapped up in my head when I met Kitten for lunch. She felt I was ignoring her, when I was solving things….and I was being distant … sorry.

Saturday came and we went up to Coventry to collect her stuff, and get lots of things for the flat … then drove back back and unpacked some important things … crop, flogger etc…! Kitten cooked some delicious food, and we listened to music and went to bed … spanking and lovely, lovely sex … and just how useful a long, long tongue can be …

Sunday … Whilst the rest of England read the Sunday papers, or went to church, I had early morning flogger practise … mmmm, I think I could get quite good at this …we then drove to collect my clothes from where I had been staying and get more stuff for the flat.

We bought clothes pegs, but we have no clothes line … what on earth will we find to do with them??? ...

Driving back with the windows down, we stopped at a red light, and I said loudly

“I may blindfold you later ….”

The look on the face of the woman in the car next to us (also with window down) was priceless.

We ate early, and then Kitten drew me a bath and arranged the orchids and candles we had bought, in the bedroom. She then came into the bathroom and sat with her feet on the edge of the bath …Now call me old-fashioned … (okay drop the fashioned if you like) but a beautiful woman placing her feet on the edge of the bath is begging for a foot massage … which I duly gave.

We then went to the bedroom, and flopped on the bed … Kitten lay face down, then raised her head to look at us through the full length mirrors that run down one side of the bedroom. She raised her butt just so … and I began to spank her gently…then more firmly … 100 smacks to warm her up. I then told her to undress, which she did, and she then left the room.

She returned with the ribbon – the sky blue ribbon with the bell and knelt before me. She handed me the ribbon, simply saying “Master”, and raised her hair. I stood behind her and tied on the bell, and stroked her … her hair, her head, her neck and her breasts and her eyes softly closed…

“Put your hands together in front of you …”

“Yes, Master”

I stood naked before her and, taking a length of golden cord, bound her hands.

“Kiss my cock, Kitten…”

“Yes, Master …” She softly kissed my erection.

I then took two pegs and clamped them onto her nipples … she winced but I could see in her eyes that she loved it.

“Stand up and kneel on the bed…”

She struggled to her feet and knelt on the bed … facing the mirrors.

“Get on all fours ..”

“Yes, Master”

She lowered her body down and thrust her butt up toward me … it showed the warm flush from my earlier spanking …

I then continued the spanking, and she rocked back onto my hand … and I then picked up the flogger …

“I’m going to start with your back Kitten …”

I gently drew the flogger down her back and over her buttocks and the tops of her thighs then began the strokes … She began to moan and cry and, as I watched us in the mirrors, working together on our mutual pleasure. I felt a huge overwhelming sense of … love, devotion, desire … she is so sexual.

After 100 strokes to her back I could smell her juices so I stroked her sex … she was soaking … and I slipped the vibrator inside and she cried out.

“I’m now going to work on your arse, Kitten…”

“Please, Master…”

Fifty strokes to each cheek, and she was crying out for me to fuck her …

I lay down the flogger, mounted the bed, then parted her lips with my fingers before sliding in my cock. I thrust in deep then rode her hard from behind … thrusting deep and pushing her down into the bed then raising her and pumping harder and faster. She was crying out and I was relishing the sight before me … Kitten, with her hands bound, on all fours, getting a good stiff fucking - her face showing her pleasure.

After a while, I felt the surge build in my balls, which spread down my thighs and across my stomach and I was hit by an amazing, sense bending orgasm …

We flopped down together and, after I removed the pegs and untied her, I brought her to her orgasm …

As we lay together in the twilight, we talked of more play … more things we share together … we feel so right together, it’s the rest of the world which is out of tune with us….

"I want it now ... I want it now ..."

2004-07-01T03:09:00.000-07:00

... Not the promises of what tomorrow brings
I need to live in dreams today
I’m tired of the song that sorrow sings

And I want more than I can get
Just trying to, trying to, trying to forget

I’d walk to you through rings of fire
And never let you know the way I feel
Under skin is where I hide
The love that always gets me on my knees...

010704 Thu - I haven't heard this song for so long and, after dropping Kitten at her work, it came on the radio as I drove on to my work. It's such a beautiful song and seems to capture exactly how I feel at the moment.

and yes, I cried.

It's funny how people think you must be upset or hurt to cry, but I just feel very powerful surges of emotion - both happiness and sadness, especially with music ... Maria Callas's voice (especially Madam Butterfly), and the last two pieces in Purcell's Dido and Aenaes spring to mind ... and I cry. I guess I'm just very sensitive to stimuli - I know my whole skin is, and when Kitten strokes me, my whole body tingles from my scalp to my toes ...

I feel quite vulnerable at the moment, as it's hard to be so many things at the same time. To be a pillar of strength for Kitten, to begin to explore BDSM, and to sort out my own problems ... I sometimes just sit and don't know what, or where, the fuck I am.

I really envy people who can quickly express their feelings verbally. One of the effects of the meningitis was that I didn't speak for 6 months, and when I did start again, I had a terrible stammer which I have fought and overcome ... at least for 99 percent of the time. The result is that I have to think of words carefully before I speak, and that, couple with my accent, usually gives the first impression of a stupid bumpkin.

I suppose the upside is that I have an excellent vocabulary - stammerers are always looking for new words they can pronounce that mean the same as the one they can't pronounce!!!

I read some of Kitten's journal entries to find out what she likes. It was very eye-opening, and, although I feel comfortable with it all and it's an overwhelming desire to explore this within myself, I worry I will not do it right somehow ...

I guess I'm tired and still stressing out a bit.

I adore you, Kitten.

The Ribbon

2004-06-30T03:36:00.000-07:00

Fine.
Thin.
Sky Blue.
Shiny.
Soft.

It’s merely 1 metre of sky blue silk ribbon.

Yet what memories it triggers, what pleasures it recalls.

The ribbon follows the contour of her throat and comes to life when she speaks or swallows. When at rest, against her soft, warm, scented skin, it gently rises and falls as it echoes her pulse.

She sometimes ties the bow at the back of her neck. It’s a beautiful sight to see her kneel before me. She lowers her head, ties up her hair, places the ribbon against her throat ... and then carefully ties the bow, gazing into the distance as she concentrates on the task.

When done, she lowers her hair, raises her eyes to fix her gaze on me ... and smiles.

“I’m ready, Master ...”

I lean forward, cup her face in my hands and kiss her softly on the lips, before reaching over and selecting a length of golden cord ...

“Put your hands behind your back, Kitten ...”

“Yes, Master ...”

Footnote - In revolutionary France, aristocratic women who had escaped from, or not yet met, Madame Guillotine, wore red ribbons around their necks to symbolise the mark of the blade and show their defiance to the revolution ... whilst the people starved.

Kind of 18th Century heroin chic.

"Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore...

2004-06-30T03:23:00.000-07:00

... So do our minutes hasten to their end"

Mon 280604 thru Tuesday 290604 - Everything is like a roller coaster at the moment ... I found it so hard to get out of bed this morning, and living in hotels is not good for Diane’s health – the stress is really bad for her. She hides it well, but she’s getting weary. Her courage and positivity in the face of so much is breathtaking. I adore her and do my best to help. Hope it’s enough.

First good news about the flat - then bad - then sort of good.

Went to stay with Hitomi, who very kindly has invited us to stay with her. The invitation has not been revoked even though I beat her and Diane at “Bullshit”

Scoreline ... Goode Olde Englande 1 – 1 United States of Whatever

Tuesday came and went - more battles, but the clouds could be lifting and despite the adversity we still smile, kiss, make love ... no play since the weekend, but Jaysus, what prospects ahead.

Please accept my apologies for not writing more ... I will soon.

The Park.

2004-06-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

He left the shelter of the wall, walked round the corner pulling his coat tightly around him, and strode with a purpose into the Park. The cold wind buffeted him, stroked his face, and eased the tingling which ran throughout his body like a note through a tuning fork. He pushed his hands deep into his pockets, and felt the ribbon.

It had been so long since they had been together, and he ached for her voice, her scent, and to gaze into her eyes. He stopped, pulled out the ribbon, kissed it, then held it to his face. This had been round her neck when he had last disciplined her, and he closed his eyes and drifted back to the hotel room, the ropes, the mask, the gag, the strap ... the soft moan she uttered as he began. He stumbled, overcome by sensation, and his legs buckled so he sat down hard on the damp grass, breathing in her scent mixed with the rich odour of damp, green earth.

He didn’t notice the soft English rain beginning to fall. He wasn't there, alone, in the dusk ... he was with her, breathing in the musk of their sex.

He sighed. “Kitten ... “

"The first in the gang ... with a gun in his hand..."

2004-06-28T02:42:00.000-07:00

Sun 270604 - lay back in bed. Been busy all weekend - looks like we got somewhere to live at last!

I stress out so much - unnecessarily I know - due to being so much on my guard for most of my life, and panic when I am faced with big decisions. It's a real guilt thing that I've got to get through.

I'm always expecting someone to say "You've got it all now, Mike ... but you can't have it, you don't deserve it, because of what you did ...". Kitten picks up on this, I know, and she feels my pain which I something I don't want. She has more than enough on her own plate, and I just want to make things easy for her .... I want her to have a strong base to work from, to develop all the potential she has.

On the other hand I'm a crap liar - I've always being honest - stupidly so at times (imagine standing in a pub when a lone black couple walk in ... a group of white guys (shaven heads etc), start singing "Black cunts in the pub, tra la la la la..." to the tune of Boney M's "Brown Girl in the Ring" ... who was the dork who stood up and asks them to show some decency and respect...?)- I don't seem to have any guile ... so when she says

"What's wrong Master ...?"

I just tell her what's bugging me ... I tell her and and I see it hurts.

It hasn't helped having my old flat and ex-relationship to deal with, but I will be strong for Diane.

We ARE good together ... after I spanked her and pleasured her we watched "Finding Nemo" (Go figure...) and just lay in each others arms ... and the world couldn't touch us.

We then watched Glastonbury and Morrissey came on ... Fuck - the whole thing about Morrissey is that he taps into everything that makes me tick ... the joy, sadness, love, emotion, loyalty, devotion of his songs spring from the same Northern well that I'm from. People say he's depressing, but it's a hard place we're from ... cold, grey, steely - an area built on ships, sailing, industry - with a massive debt to immigrants, mostly from Ireland. We both also share Irish ancestory, though Scratch anyone from the North West of England and you'll most likely find Green, White and Gold flowing out.

He's the bolloxs, no mistake.

I cried, as so many memories - good memories - of my part of the World came back to me. The sea, the sky, the wind, ... I wish they'd shown "There is a light which never goes out". That would have been perfect. I think of Kitten as my light - and I worry I'm putting too much pressure on her.

It's easy to forget how young she is, and her vibrant personality hides how raw she still is over the Kenn thing ... she is an honest, balanced person who can handle anything and approaches everything with a passion and enthusiasm which could power Central London, but she still can't understand why he just stopped communicating with her ... and I see it in her eyes sometimes. Here's me, who, being responsible, wants to communicate wth my ex to sort things out, ending up getting a load of stress through it ... Ho Hum, such is life!

Perhaps I love her too much, but that's how I am, I wear my heart on my sleeve so it's easy to see ... but also easy to knock about, and she's the same.

I pray to everything I hold dear we will be okay ...

"Oh she may be weary, and young girls they do get weary ..."

2004-06-25T03:34:00.000-07:00

250604 - Fri. Last night Diane got back to our hotel ... late.

She'd been to a work seminar on relationships, and her Boss kept her talking and she was not well and she's been to the doctor and ... she stood at the door, thinking I'd be mad with her.

Worried sick, yup - and it isn't helped by her phone sitting in a Mail Depot in Coventry at the moment - Mad, no. Even though she knocked at the door just as England lost to Portugal ... her knock co-incided with the winning penalty being scored.

Fuck, do I have to be mad as part of being a Master? Please advise.

She blacked out in our room the other night. I checked her pulse and breathing was okay (the things you learn in Sea Survival class)and had the phone in my hand to call an ambulance when she came round ... so when she's late ... it worries me.

Especially in London. I've seen people STEP OVER people who've fainted on the Tube, and rush on.

Anyway - I got her some food, and we flicked through some hotel porn ... then went to bed.

I carefully laid out some rope, and the lube, and the vibrator and some condoms. Neat boy, very neat boy.

I told her to lay on her back, and she lay back. I grasped the top of her pants - she tried to hold on to them tight so I wrestled her grip off and tore them down. She gasped, as I held her left wrist and ankle and started to bind them together ... when done, I moved over and did the same on the right.

Beautiful, she looks so beautiful ... laying back with her legs splayed wide ... vulnerable, but not scared.

I then reached for the blindfold and tied it tight ... then knelt between her legs. I raked my fingers down the inside of each thigh, down past her knees to her calves and ankles, and then along her arms before returning to gently rest my hands either side of her pussy ... I slowly part the lips with my thumbs, and start to tickle her clit. She cries out and her head thrashes from side to side....

"Is that good, Kitten?"
"Oh yes, Master ..."

I lean forward, squeeze her breasts hard and suck and bite her nipples...

"Fuck me, Master ... please"

I continue working her clit, watching her smile widen, and then slide my cock slowly and deeply into her ... She groans in pleasure and I begin ...

"Here I am, waiting to hold you...."

2004-06-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

240603 Thu - Things recently have been a struggle for me. I've radically changed my life, finally facing events which have lead to me being reckless, callous, and numb to so many feelings. This has meant many cold dawns ... and lonely, confused days.

However, this changed when I met Diane. She has made me realise that I have love to give,I have a kind, decent person within me, and I can grow again. This has not been easy and I still have a way to go.

However, I am reminded of the saying "You only ever regret the opportunities you let slip ..."

Diane and I have talked of our love of children (and the fact that we will most likely never have them together)... and we want to be with each other ... and we were in each others arms ... and so I asked her to marry me.

After saying "No" ... she smiled her widest smile and said "Yes"

Okay I'm 45 and she's 21, and that's just the start (Northern git v NorCal beauty ... some parts of my family are, shall we say, "not for integration"...)

However, what matters to me? Diane's and my happiness or what other people may think?

No contest.

So I have given her a ring ... and I feel so, so happy ...!

“ I’ve just blown in from the Windy City …”

2004-06-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

…and the Windy City is mighty pretty…”

230604 Wed Lunchtime - Just been out for a walk in rainy, windy London Town ... I'm thinking of Kitten, who I left sat on the bed in the hotel, looking sleepy and radiant.

I love the wind – it reminds me of some great times at sea … howling winds, driving rain, big seas … the rest of the crew throwing up. Ahhh the joys of sailing.

The winds must be Force 5 gusting 6 … walking under the trees, which gently sway and whisper, then bend and roar, I pass under an elderberry and get showered in fine white blossom – for a moment it’s as if I’m in a snow storm ... and I’m taken back to when I was very small.

I remember walking from school one day – not home, but away down a path I found into the woods (you get the picture? I’ve always done this, despite been told not too), and loving the damp earth smells and the silence and solitude … then getting home and getting a beating.

I also recall riding my bicycle down a hill near my house and a car reversing out in front of me ... then waking up in hospital again. Broken head that time. Reckless, moi?

I love to walk ... it’s something Kitten and I have in common. We both have a desire for a personal space, some privacy, as well as the desire to be with each other. We're both quite different people, though it feels we're in tune. I think we balance up about right. I'm still finding my feet with everything, especially the BDSM, and have more questions than answers ... but a deep, deep heartfelt desire to make things work with Kitten ...

... Rainy night in London ...

2004-06-23T02:22:00.000-07:00

220604 Tue - Sat at my desk discussing the specification of a new data management system (I get all the best jobs) when my phone rings.

Pick up and it's Diane! My confusion as I stand up and walk away from my desk is passed on to her and she thinks she's phoned someone else ... a guy she gave a very pleasant wake up call to by mistake in the past.

But no - it's me.

She's coming back tonight and I'm meeting her at Euston. She's watching tennis and everytime the player hits the ball she lets out a little squeal... Whack - Oooo!, Whack - Oooo! ... Tennis Porn - it sounds wonderful.

Then back to work.

Check in at the hotel then on to Euston, where we encounter usual British cock-up. The train is signalled for Platform 9, the Platform Supervisor says Platform 8, and Kitten arrives at Platform 5 ... as she said she would.

We kiss and embrace, and then take a cab to the Hotel. On the way she tells me about a flat she has found and is going to see tomorrow. She also has to talk to her new Boss - she's nervous, as she hasn't been able to contact him due to her phone being somewhere mid Atlantic, but I reassure her it will be okay.

We get to the hotel, she calls him - it's okay, they're meeting tomorrow - we order some food, eat, and talk about things.

We then have a big bubble bath. Mmmmmmm. and then a shower. Bigger Mmmmmmmmmmm. and then to bed MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

She lays back and I firmly knead her breasts ... I order her to spread her legs wide ... she does and I start to work on her pussy. "You want this don't you kitten?" "Yes Master"

"Harder?"
"Yes Master"

She moans softly and I switch on the vibrator and slowly run it the length of her soaking slit, before sliding it in hard and deep. She catches her breath and arches her back...

"You slut ..."
"Yes Master"

I stare deep into her eyes and watch as they begin to mist over ... Fuck, I love seeing that.

I continue working her, playing her, then her breathing gets shallower and she cries out and rises from the bed up into my arms...

"That was Master being nice ... now he's going to be nasty..."

I order her to put her arms in front of her, she obeys, and I bind her forearms from her wrists to her elbows. I raise them over her head and tell her to spread her legs wide.

I penetrate her and start to slowly fuck her - deep, hard thrusts which speed up then slow again. I grab her ankles and push them up apart and back, then drive in deep. I stare into her eyes and she smiles - that wide, lazy, warm, fucked smile of hers that embodies sex ... slow, fast, shallow - then deep and fast and hard.

I feel the warm, sweet ache begin to course through my loins and spread out along my arms and legs ... and then

BAM!!!

I'm hit by an incredibly intense orgasm which spasms through my body...

I lay back, then slowly untie her. With rope in hand, we devise some other ways of tying her up ... this is fun! We then relax and talk about toys we are going to buy, and, as she's been such a good kitten, I finish the evening by giving her a good spanking.

Yummy.

Waiting for a Train...

2004-06-22T02:07:00.000-07:00

220604 Tue - Kitten arrives back in London this evening. I'm meeting her at the station and a hotel is booked for us. I miss her and love her immensely.

I've just read her latest journal ... the whole child business is terribly ironic ... and I don't mean that lightly. She lost hers and I had mine taken from me, and I wasn't even aware until it was over. The result was I felt guilt (for not saving it? ... for not being there? ... for not knowing it existed? All those things, and more I suppose) a barrel load of guilt, and punished myself. That on top of the shame, guilt and self-punishment for the abuse I suffered.

A lethal cocktail, Bartender ...

I tried to forget but, like the abuse, the memory returns everyday. I became a cold, callous, shell of a man, cutting myself off from all those feelings of caring, nurturing ... the basic animal drives, only to have them brought out from the attic, dusted down and plonked on the kitchen table (as it were) by a beautiful woman (with a damn sexy voice, and a smile that lights up the world) one cool early summer evening on Westminster Bridge. I was reborn that night. I began to unbutton a cloak of sadness and self-loathing - which I'm still shrugging off.

... and the most terrible bit of this terrible irony is that the one person who I want, I adore ... the one person who makes my existence have a reason, and who also wants the same ... is most likely unable to give us that most precious gift.

But I love her just the same.

We talked so much over the weekend, it was fantastic to have so much time together to do that, and found we really do understand each other ... deeply. It's uncanny. Uncanny, but also incredibly moving and very emotionally uplifting. I seem to be able to see things so much clearer when I'm with her.

We've accepted our ghosts, and will face them together ... I will be your pillar of strength, Kitten.

"As long as the hand that that rocks the cradle is mine .."

2004-06-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

210604 Mon - Late ... late ... the rain pours down in London, but I feel that it feeds me, feeds my need to slip into the power of nature ...

Kitten sent me a Birthday greeting.

I talked to her earlier, and apologised for being an introspective dork before I met her Father. Fuck ... when will I remove my head from my arse? She needed me to just ... empathise ... but I just didn't cotton on

Kitten ... I LOVE YOU, TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING ... PLEASE?

Found a HUGE list of flats in London, and got wished a hapy Litha ... Same to you Jimmy, I don't know you yet, but I think I do ... we think of you here in Goode Olde Englande.

and a Happy Birthday from my sweetheart - my Angel. She is my reason for ... just my reason for ... full stop.

I feel positive.

Read her journal. I can't comment ... says it all.

I can't believe I am where I am ... I have wasted, yes wasted, two thirds of my life, and now found it all ... found my reason for life.

She is my everything.

Kitten ... I love you ... I am in love with you ... when you're ready, I'm here for you ... naked, stripped clean of all pain and demons .. a blank canvas awaiting your brushstrokes.

And the rain in London still pours down.

"And now good morrow to our waking souls ..

2004-06-21T01:44:00.000-07:00

... Which watch not one another out of fear;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone,
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown;
Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.

210604 Mon - Wake up and gaze up at the blue sky. The dark night with it's dark thoughts have gone. I stand at the window and see two magpies ... tan sheppies - "two for joy".

I think of Diane and the books she has loaned me. I'm reading SM101 ... it makes me hug myself as I would never have dreamt of finding something so attuned to how I feel and how I want my life to be. Then of San Francisco ... I am going to go with Kitten. I never break promises. 20th July. I try to think of what it will be like. I feel excited like a kid at the fair. What will they make of me?

Then a problem arises.

What suit would I wear to the beach? The only suit at the beach I can recall is that worn by Dirk Bogarde in "Death in Venice" oo-er. Any advice welcome.

I walk to the Tube ... then run, as I see it trundling along the line as I approach the station. I just squeeze in the door, behind a girl, and we slump into the seats breathing hard. We smile and laugh. We exchange a few jokey comments, then she reads her book. She's Australian. Judging by the fact we conversed she's obviously not been here long ... she hasn't adopted the stony faced silence of the Tube yet.

I now have to find time to try and find Kitten and I a flat ... life is looking up.

" I wonder, by my troth ..."

2004-06-21T01:05:00.000-07:00

... what thou and I Did till we loved?
Were we not weaned till then?
But sucked on country pleasures childishly?
Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den?
'Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be.
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee ..."

Sun 200604 - I lay in bed as my watch softly trips over ... 23:59 ... 00:00 ... 00:01.

Summer Solstice.

Fireworks explode in the night sky, champagne flows like foam, and friends and family arrive bearing gifts ... not.

Forty five years ago I struggled and slithered, bloody and slick, into the light and into my Mothers loving arms. What a feeling that must be. Last night I lay sweat soaked and sated in Kitten's loving embrace, my whole body humming like a tuning fork. Now I am alone, staring at the soft orange glow of the London night.

I wonder what it would be like to hold my child ... will I ever, or has my chance been snatched away from me ... ?

We visited Kitten's father and stepmother today. Her Father is a big man - but very gentle with a quiet wicked sense of humour - and her stepmother very energetic, bright and amusing. I always feel nervous before meeting people, but they were so welcoming it felt really easy and we got along very well. In my mind I compared this to when I met Peter. Jaysus, I was on the fucking ceiling that night, no mistake. Then, too soon, I had to drive back to London.

I embraced Kitten and kissed her goodbye not five hours ago, after the most fulfilling and ecstatic four days of my life, yet it seems an eternity. The 2 weeks she was in San Francisco seemed somehow bearable, maybe because of the huge distance, yet these five hours hurt so much ... so much.

I'd kissed her, stroked her, tied her, teased her, spanked her, beat her, fucked her hard ... and still hungered for her. We had opened our hearts, talked of our pain, and soothed that pain freely with our bodies.

She has my heart, but hers is still possessed by Kenn. I am her Master, but he owns what I desire ... will I ever possess it?

I stare up at the sky ...

It's 4 in the morning ...

2004-06-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

Friday 190604 - Rise early. Breakfast in bed then out to find Internet access. Have no local information so just follow roads. End up in Birmingham. Well ... some part of Birmingham, and type up journal. Then don't know how to get back to hotel ... but I love getting lost.

Drive around whilst Diane convulses in fits of laughter reading the BIG ROAD MAP of BRITAIN ... "Giggleswick?", "Penistone?", "Cow?" - and her current favourite "Deeping St James?"

Get back to hotel and snooze. We then eat, go back to the room and Playtime begins again.

Diane is laying on her side on the bed watching teevee, so I undress and lay behind her cupping her body in mine. I reach round and begin to caress her. She sighs ... and I knead her breasts and tell her to roll onto her front, and put her arms behind her back

"Yes Master"

I reach for a rope and slowly, carefully, precisely tie her hands behind her back as I learnt yesterday ... a little knowledge can quickly become a very dangerous thing. I bind her ankles and then hog tie her. I stroke her butt, and tell her I am going to get the blindfold which I place over her eyes and secure.

I tell her I am going to give her fifty spankings to start with and then go to work. My hand lifts ... then fall quickly to strike firm flesh. Kitten sighs and flexes.

I move into a regular pattern.

"How many is that, Kitten?"

"20, Master"

After a further 20, I finish with 10 hard fast smacks. Kitten is moaning softly and smiling, so I tell her I will now give her 100 lashes of the rope ...

"Thank you Master", she replies.

I select a good length of rope and draw it over her cheek, across her shoulders and down her back before resting it across her butt.

"I'm now going to begin, Kitten"

"Thank you Master"

I start gently then increase the strength of the stroke ... until I finish and see her skin glistening.

I untie her and she rolls onto her back and her legs fall open. I leave the blindfold on and start to stroke her pussy and work on her clit. She starts to breathe deeply and rhythmically, and I switch on the vibrator and slowly insert it deep. She cries out and I tell her I'm going to gag her. I get the duck tape and place a strip over her mouth, then begin again. I continue, until she finally cries a muffled cry, reaches up and holds me. I remove the blindfold and gag.

"I'm now going to fuck you hard and fast, Kitten...."

"Thank you Master...."

I kneel between her legs, look deep into her eyes and begin....

Sent to Coventry

2004-06-18T03:14:00.000-07:00

Thursday 180604 - Wake early and drive to Heathrow. Nice suit nice shirt nice smile ... nice. Diane's flight arrives at 10:30.

Park up - way too early. I have to read three newspapers and it's still only 10:00. Feel nervous and happy ... what if she's missed it? She would have called you (Dork).

Wait by the arrivals gate. 10:30 comes and goes - flight delayed, then again - finally lands and I wait for the baggage to "arrive in the hall". This finally does and Diane emerges into the arrivals hall ... looking radiant, and so elegant ... wearing a long skirt and a white top ... our eyes meet and we both smile beams that would put a lighthouse to shame ... and I've seen a few lighthouses in my time I can tell you.

I look into her eyes and kiss her. We embrace, and I don't know what to say. I feel so emotional and ecstatic to see her again, I go dumb. We go straight to my car, load up the bags and we're off.

Driving up the M1, I lift her skirt and stroke her thighs as she lays back and opens her legs ... Fuck I'm tripping on hormones here. It's been so long.

We get to the hotel and go straight to the room, drop our cases and embrace ... I go to the bathroom and when I get back, she's already in bed ... Oh Kitten.

She's jetlagged but we play some gentle "getting to know each other properly - at last" games ... we've had to wait far too long for this. We spend the rest of the daylight just playing, exploring, teasing, she demonstrates how to spank.

That's right, on me ... and my soft, sensitive skin.

I introduce her to a new battery powered friend, and she shows me some very useful books.

We then watch Kill Bill.

After Kill Bill, I lay next to Kitten and start to stroke her neck shoulders and back, then move round to caress her breasts and pinch her nipples ... She sighs "Oh Master..." I stroke her buttocks, then raise my hand and give her a firm smack, then caress. She lets out a cry ... and I continue. More firm smacks, and I ask her whether she is happy ....

"Yes Master ..."

I tell her to put her hands behind her back, and I tie them, before continuing. My hand warming to the task, I slip my erection into her bound hands and she strokes the shaft as I continue.

I order her to kneel on the bed in front of a big mirror, her hands still bound behind her ... and push her forward before sliding my cock up her soaking cunt.

I fuck her long and hard and her cries feed my desire like air feeding fire. I come - and when I come it's like an electric shock (I have very intense orgasms) and fall.

She lies half on-half off the bed and I slide off onto the floor, cradle her face and kiss her fully on the lips ... "I love you Kitten ..."

"I love you Master"

We talk and she uses some Ice on me and then some wax - hmmmmm nice, and she demonstrates ways of tying up. The day ends with a fiercesome fuck ... and I haven't used the blindfold or Duck Tape yet....

Am I blessed or what?

Blessed.

"Oh to be in England ..."

2004-06-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Wed 160604 - Just been to the Park for lunch - a walk. I ain't Elvis - I don't eat squirrels.

Sunny day, warm, nice breeze - a few cumulus clouds trolling over from the Atlantic to the North Sea. I overheard someone say what a wonderful world God has created for us.

This set me off thinking firstly of Robert Browning - "God's in His heaven - all's right with the world ..." then of God.

I've never believed in the traditional God ... a fat bloke with a white beard and long robe who sits in a big throne all day ... all eternity actually. It just seems so ... simplistic. My Mothers family were undertakers so death was an accepted part of life at an early age, and we knew that people ... well, die.

I can understand how, as we evolved from mud skippers or something, we tried to make sense of our World. And by trying to fit the World to what we knew about (ourselves) we came up with Gods. Giving the Sun, Moon, Earth, Wind, Fire a personality seems pretty cool (also explains their "bad moods"). They even managed to form a band. Sorry.

As a kid, I loved the Greek and Roman Gods and still like the Celtic and the Norse Gods. A God of mischief (Loki)is an good selling point for any religion.

But to bring it all together under one Jahweh/Jehovah/God/Allah ('fraid being a simple fucker I can't think of any more names ... please enlighten me if you would ...) seems, as I say, a bit simplistic.

Then we touch on mysogyny - the all-encompassing God as a Man (what the fuck happened to Mother Nature ... oh, she's doing the washing up.)and the role religion played in the movement from matriarchal societies to patriarchal societies - a benevolent God, and an all-seeing God.

If he sees it all how can his benevolence allow people to fuck each other up. (I know it's the people what do it, but He, apparently, created us in His image...)

Sorry my brain has gone to sleep, as I have to go into a meeting. I'll continue this later no doubt.

Walk in the Park ... get exercised AND stimulate your brain.

Bye-bye.

When that foghorn blows ... I will be coming home.

2004-06-16T03:25:00.000-07:00

Tue 150604 - Get back from work and ring Diane. We have been having a yo-yo conversation about if and when she's coming back to London .... her financial aid was fucked up, then sorted ... the flights were fucked up - she was originally coming back this Thursday (17th) so I booked a hotel ... only to find out that she had to change to the next day (arriving back Friday (18th)) so I had to re-jig the hotel.

She misses me but is also having a good time by all accounts, and, though I miss her terribly, I'm so happy for her. I know she was apprehensive about going back and had some pretty major issues to address ... but she seems to have got things on an even keel, and her family and friends - especially Jimmy - have been very much there for her.

Thank you. Thank you all for taking care of her.

It's her birthday today - I called her at 01:00 California time and sang to her - she's 21. I sent her some money for a dress she desired. No joy there - not one in her size - so she got her ears pierced ... we'll have to find some beautiful, elegant earrings to match her beautiful, elegant self.

Call her at 8:00 p.m (BST) as agreed ... "Did you get my voicemail" she says. I check and it says there's some bad news and some good news.

First the bad news. She isn't able to fly back Friday as arranged. Shit, what now has pushed a stick in our spokes? What fly has flown into our ointment?

Now the good news. She isn't able to fly back on Friday - as she is flying back on Thursday!!!! She has found a seat and is back on track ... Fantastic news ... I'm laughing, just laughing and laughing and she keeps asking me why. Because I'm happy, so happy!

I have to re-sort out the hotel and get the original booking back, but everything is fantastic again...!

She asks me what she should wear for the plane and I tell her ...

I can't wait to see her face again ... to feel the radiance of her smile and the energy in her eyes ...

She's got everything she needs - she's an artist ... she don't look back.

2004-06-16T00:56:00.000-07:00

I lay back and she rolls toward me, placing her hand on my chest and nestling her head on my shoulder.

I feel her warmth seep into my body and smell her musky odour mingling with mine. She strokes my chest and then slowly traces a line down my body with her hand, stopping at my navel, and then continuing down. My cock rises in appreciation and I turn my head to breathe in the scent from her hair.

She runs her hand up and down my loins ... circling my cock as it jerks in response and she rakes her nails up and down the shaft.

I lift her head and roll onto my front. She rises and sits astride my thighs and starts to stroke my shoulders and back, before sliding herself further down and squeezing my buttocks hard, and clawing them with her nails. I moan and feel that itchy surge of lust coursing through me. She strokes the inside of my thighs, and, as she slides off me, I raise my arse and open my legs. She slips her hand between my buttocks and runs her fingers from my arse to my balls - cradles them - then slips her hand forward to caress my cock and belly. I moan softly.

I roll over and she straddles me. She leans forward, takes my cock in her hand, raises herself, guides it to her lips ... then lowers herself down onto me and sits back ... and I gaze up into her eyes and sigh.

"Ah my Kitten ..."

She slowly rocks back and forth, smiling a sweet and drowsy smile. I roll her onto her back, kiss her deep and slow, and start to fuck her ... hard.

She looked at him .... he felt a spark .... tingle to his bones.

2004-06-15T00:30:00.000-07:00

I rest my hand on Kitten, and stroke her soft warm skin. I feel her breathing. I look down to her. blindfolded ... gagged ... bound.

I feel an enormous wave of deep love, affection, desire and arousal flow through me. I am entrusted with something so precious.

I take off my suit jacket, hang it in the wardrobe ... and then I begin.

Raising my hand high, I bring it down sharply onto her buttock, and she twitches and utters a muffled sigh. The sharp smack echoes slightly, and I then stroke her in a circular motion. I repeat and she rocks back towards my hand.

Good Kitten.

I continue ... on the left, the right, the top, the bottom, and then move to the backs of her legs at the top of the thighs. Firmer and firmer - a rhythm is settled into. With each stroke I feel my hand and arm relaxing, flexing as I warm to the task, and the room begins to fill with our intermingling scent, whilst Kitten's skin glistens.

After a while I stop, and begin rubbing her back.

"How do feel, Kitten? ... are you happy?"

She moans and nods her head.

"Then it's time for the strap..."

I move to my bag and take out a strap - a length of leather which is flexible yet firm ... I brush it across Kittens cheek and she breathes in and out deeply and rapidly. I run the strap along her back.

"Fifty strokes to begin with"

She tenses, awaiting the first strike, and then shudders and succumbs to the pleasure and pain when it snaps against her skin. Again a rhythm is settled into ... a hypnotic, trance-like state is entered where the body is automatically operating whilst the mind fills with fuzzy, warm pleasure.

After fifty strokes, I feel between her legs and she is open ... her lips are parted and her musky juices run down the inside of her thighs ... I take a vibrator and switch it on. I slowly run it up inside each thigh, and then gently insert it deep into her. She groans through the gag, and shivers with pleasure.

I continue with the strap, on the backs of her legs and then move up onto her back, faster and harder, whilst using my free hand to move the vibrator - in and out, then along her furrow to tease her clit. Her breathing gets deeper and faster ... her moans increase and finally she shudders and keens, and tears flow from beneath the blindfold.

I gently stroke her body and soothe her, then carefully peel away the tape from her mouth. I kiss her on her lips. I remove the blindfold, and untie her hands and ankles. She falls softly onto her side.

I undress, lie down beside her and cradle her in my arms ... I feel her warmth and her skin sticks softly to mine. She looks at me through half open eyes and smiles ... a soft warm smile which penetrates deep into me and lifts my soul.

She puts her arm around me and begins to run her fingers over my back from my neck to my thighs ... I want her.

I lie back and let her begin ...

They sat together in the Park ... as the evening sky grew dark ...

2004-06-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

I slip the key in the lock. Turn. Click. Push open the door and enter.

Usual hotel room, en suite, a double bed, two chairs, a table, a television, a mini bar. She follows me in and we drop our cases.

"Sit on the bed, kitten". She obeys and sits.

I take off my suit, undress and then shower, sluicing the long drive from my body and mind. I return, select a fresh shirt and I dress.

She sits patiently, watching me like a curious Egyptian cat.

Once dressed, I sit in one of the chairs and look at her. I gaze into her eyes - deep, deep, warm, peat brown pools.

"Come here - sit at me feet..."

She slips softly from the bed and crawls slowly on her hands and knees towards me - her eyes locked on mine - to kneel between my feet.

I reach forward and take her head in my hand. I brush her cheek, and slip my hand round behind her head and firmly stroke the nape of her neck. She pushes her head back, closes her eyes and sighs. I lean forward and bury my head in her neck - breathing in her scent, I kiss her and the taste of her skin arouses me and I feel the familiar warm ache start to spread slowly from my core throughout my body.

"Stand up, take off all your clothes and fold them neatly..."

She rises slowly and I watch her undress and carefully fold and place her clothes on the other chair ... good kitten.

She stands before me in her underwear.

"I said ALL your clothes ..."

She peels off her bra and slips from her pants - and places them neatly on top of the other clothes.

She stands before me, naked, her arms by her sides, looking down.

"Look at me ... look into my eyes, kitten ..." She slowly raises her head and our eyes meet.

I sit and study her - her face, hair ... her skin, her breasts, stomach, thighs - then rise and begin to explore her. She sighs as I run my hands over her neck, shoulders, arms, then move behind her and trace my finger down her spine. I lay my cheek against her back and feel her heartbeat. I stroke and squeeze her buttocks.

I open up my travelling bag.

"Put your hands behind your back ..."

"Yes, Sir"

She obeys and I reach into the bag for some cord. I bind her wrists together with it and she tries to part them but to no avail...

I then reach for the blindfold, and place it over her eyes, fixing it tightly behind her head. Her breath is quick and shallow.

"Can you see, kitten...?"

"No, Sir"

I reach round and caress her breasts, rolling her nipples between my fingers and thumbs - then pinch them hard. She flexes and moans softly.
I walk round and take a nipple in my mouth. Lick, suck, then bite, I taste the sweet saltiness of her skin. I reach up and feel the pulse in her neck beating quickly.

"Kneel on the bed"

She tentatively shuffles, sightlessly, forward, and I take her arm and guide her as she climbs up and kneels.

I place the pillows before her, then move silently to her left.

"Lay down on your front ..."

Her head jerks to her left, then she obeys, falls forward, and I guide her down onto the pillows. I raise her rear into the air, then select two lengths of cord and carefully wrap one around each ankle.

"Open your legs"
"Yes, sir"

She pushes her knees apart and I take the cords to the corners of the bed and secure them.

I run my hand from her ankle up her calf, up the inside of her thigh and then stroke her sex. She shudders and moans ... I lean forward and smell her, part the lips with my fingers ... taste it with my tongue, lock my lips onto hers, and then run my tongue along the length of her. She cries out.

I stroke her back and her buttocks with circular movements - gentle then firmer - warming the soft velvet skin.

"I'm going to start now, kitten. I'm going gag you, then I'm going to begin ... Thank me."

"Thank you, Sir"

I kiss her lips, then take the tape and place it gently over her mouth, and kiss her forehead.

I run my hand from the back of her head, down her spine, and rest it on her left buttock.

Let playtime commence.

"It was just my imagination ... running away with me...."

2004-06-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

Fri 110604 - snuck out of work at 2:55. Watched my watch softly slip to 15:00 and called California ... prrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... prrrrrrrrrrrrr ... prrrrrrrrrrrr ... there's no-one available to take your call. I left a message to say I'd called.

Went back to my meetings. Mobile off.

Get out for a break at 5:15, check my e-mail - reply from Diane to say I had misunderstood what she has written and she loves me and wants to be with me - check my phone - voicemail from Diane ... so call back ...

She had set the alarm, not heard it, but woken up and seen the voicemail flashing. tried to call but no luck ...

I had misunderstood her comments ... I'm very tired and stressed (work, flat, Y). She soothes these worries and we sort things out .... and we'll talk later as I have to finish off work.

Dork.

"There's fire in the hole ... but nothin' left to burn ..."

2004-06-11T02:24:00.000-07:00

Fri 110604 - Woken early. Many texts from - Y. Arguments again. Everything goes okay for a few days and then it just blows.

I look up and there's a lone Magpie sitting at the window staring in at me.

How does the rhyme go ...? "One for sorrow ..."

Get a bad feeling ...

Train delayed

Get a bad feeling ...

Get to work, and a system failure means I can't check my e-mails.

Get a bad feeling ...

So write my journal in Word to cut and paste when all systems (like Thunderbirds) are go. Finally get into systems at 9:30. Check my e-mails ... One from Diane.

"Hello - When you get this can you call me? Unless it's like 8.30 your time. Then could you call me at 3 your time?"

I was at work at 8:00, so if the system was up and running I would have called you, but I didn't get it until too late.

Get an even badder feeling ...

Read Diane's journal, and feel a surge of fear burst from my stomach and tear me apart ...

"I feel collared by Mike and Kenn and I can't seem to shake any of them."

Fuck ... I've said I'll do anything to make you happy, so shake me Diane, if that's what you really want ... shake me and I'll drop off you like a leaf in autumn. I'll accept that and still love you more than life itself, and be here for you if you ever need me.

"The sun has got his hat on..."

2004-06-11T01:33:00.000-07:00

Thu 100604 ... feel great today - very positive.

Read Diane's journal and smile it makes me so happy, and I long to see her again. She is such a calming positive force amid the maelstrom of my life.

Send her a photo of Oprah brandishing a whip ... this was a caption competition in England. Who says the English are dull?

Get an e-mail back explaining the Mistress business ... I feel so touched and honoured and grateful and amazed that anyone would do such a thing for me.

You are my life - ya hayairti.

Work.

text and talk to Y - same stuff - I've ruined her life, I'm evil, I have to give her money.

Get back and call Diane straight away. Jennifer answers ... let's me know retail sucks ... tells me how old I am.

Then talk to Diane about lots of things ... pleasure, culture, religion, music, oppression, menstruation & men ... (apparently menstruation freaks out some guys, and they would never have sex with a woman who is menstruating. Personally I would ... Why are they afraid of blood in this context, yet delight in extracting and spilling it everywhere else? Hmmm that's a great subject ... how long have you got?) she seems able to inspire me to recover knowledge I have stored away - deep, deep away ...

Then she has to go, she's meeting her friend Jimmy, and I promise to call her tomorrow.

I wish I didn't have so much work at the moment ... it affects how much I remember for my journal.

"I don't want to wait in vain ... for your love"

2004-06-10T01:12:00.000-07:00

Wed 090604 - Wake early and lay in bed. Imagine Diane is here ... stroke her imaginary neck, shoulders and back, then slide my arms around her imaginary body and hug. Cup her body in mine. Slide my hands down and stroke the cheeks of her arse. Imagine ordering her to get out of bed, to put her hands behind her back. Bind them. order her to kneel on the floor with her body on the bed. Start stroking slowly, circling my hand then spanking hard ... then harder ... firm smacks and gentle strokes, on her arse and the tops of her thighs ... I long to hear her sigh and cry.

Start thinking, and I suddenly get that sad, worthless feeling rush in like the flood tide. It's hopeless, I'll never get things sorted out ... then push myself, grit my teeth and push myself out of bed and into the shower. Too much to do ... I have a fucking future out there!

Take the Tube - stifling hot at 7:00 a.m. When London gets hot, due to the damp climate, it gets humid ... over 30 degrees and getting on the Tube is like taking a sauna. In a suit. Also have my vision deeply offended by overweight men in khaki shorts ... Do they shave their pale legs or are they naturally hairless? - Discuss.

(Me - hate shorts, love suits - never shave, apart from the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin)

Get to work, update my journal and check my e-mails - Nada.

Check Diane's journal - New Entry! I hungrily gulp it down ... She's confused, concerned, but positive...positive. We can make this thing work ... send her an e-mail (or two), though it's midnight there .. who knows she may be on-line.

Then graft.

Get a break at 5:00 p.m. and there's an e-mail from Diane ... Please call at 09:15 California time. Let's see, that's about ... now!

So call up and she sounds great! she sounds lively, happy, laughing, singing. Fuck it makes me feel SO good. WE talk about next week - I'm meeting her at the airport and were heading up North, so I've got to book a hotel. I'll find the room lined with cork ... with a dais at one end which has two pillars either side ...

I promise to call her back when I get home, and, when I finally do after another descent into the Circle (Line) of Hell Dante never knew, I do so.

She's sorting out the soundtrack for her book ... as you do. She never stops working on ideas and and I love her so much for it. She plays some Morrisey for me and then Sucidal Tendencies - a song about someone called Mike going off his nut ... sounds familiar ...

Say Bye too many times then I have to go ...

" ... I'm just a soul whose intentions are good ... "

2004-06-08T04:57:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 080604 - Wake after a fitful night's sleep ... drifting into light sleep and out again. Absolutely beautiful morning. Shower and out. Have to continue trying today. It's sometimes hard to even get out of bed. I sometimes feel paralysed by life.

I ring round to try and re-arrange things. No joy, and finally contact the last person who could take over for me. No good he's not going to be here ... so that's it. Failed. Now what.

Suddenly feel strangely positive. I know that I tried my damndest. I've pushed and cajoled and tried and failed, but I did everything I could, bar give up my job. In the past I wouldn't even have tried - I would have just not told Diane, just lied and walked away. Turned my back and just walked. Now I've tried, failed and held up my failure to her and the World (shit, as I'm writing this to my journal, that's literally true). "This is it ...do what you will...". I can't be there, but I still miss you - want you - care for you - desire you. You still fill my days.

Whatever I do, I never break promises and that's what I promised to do ... to try. I have also promised to take Diane back to California and I will.

As soon as I know, I send Diane an e-mail to explain. I open my heart to her - I send her my thoughts, hopes, love. Its still very early morning there, so I now have to just sit and wait.

Can't wait any longer - call Diane. She upset and sad. She sounds really down and I try and try to slowly cheer her up. Stumble ... get her mad ... say some wrong things ... but hey, I can be stubborn as a mule when I want to try and make someone happy. Get her to laugh and smile. Shit that's so good!

She asks me what do I want from her, says I always allude rather than say it. I tell her I sent it all in the e-mail. She says tell me. I do. (this is getting like a tennis match...)

I sent her 5 questions ... all with the same answer.

1. Do I want to be with you? yes.
2. Do I want to do everything possible to make you happy? yes.
3. Do I want to to be your Master? yes
4. Do I want to marry you? yes.
5. Do I want us to try to have children together? yes.

I then say something dumb, and not thought out - and she hangs up. I call back and say I never want to end a conversation between us on a sour note ... whatever happens. I tell her of someone I know who always made a point of parting with her husband on good terms whatever upset they were having, then one morning they had a row, he stormed out before they can speak and gets run down and killed by a car. She took so long to get over that ...

then, as if on cue, my phone flakes out.

She calls me back and I have to get the Tube, so I say I'll ring her back in a hour ... which being a responsible, organised, though fucked up person, I duly do.

She sounds more cheerful and we joke and laugh and chat. Feels good. She tells me she is thinking of finding a Mistress.

What do I think? See Q.2 above.

Despite saying if that's what she wants then she should go and find one and try it, she thinks I'm upset or sad or mad with her - Jaysus, I must have some sad, mad voice, because I'm not. I sometimes think my words get lost somewhere between my mouth and the listeners ear ... She's going out so we hang up after I've told her I'm here for her anytime, day or night ... just call if you need to talk about anything ... I'm wracking my brains to think of what more I can say to re-assure her. Any ideas, World?

I love her more than life and my whole body and soul aches for her presence. I long to hug her and be hugged.

Then the night descends ...

"Into each life some rain must fall, but too much is fallin' in mine..."

2004-06-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

Monday 070604 – wake with Diane’s words in my head and a memory of many late night texts – all from Y - arguing about selling the flat. Another fucking weight dropped on my shoulders - No sale, no money, no home.

Simple.

Have to find new agents and keep pushing, pushing.

Get to work early and start trying to re-arrange things for this week. Try as I might – I spend until 3:00 p.m. trying - it just can’t be done. It’s too short notice, suppliers coming in from all over the country to be interviewed and demonstrate. Any delay will cost … financially (and – thinly veiled hint - personally). Diane has fulfilled her part of the bargain – found flights – as I knew she would.

I feel so cheap.

Family is so important to her and I’ve fallen at the first hurdle. So much for “I’d do anything for you” - what a fucking fraud I still am ... I picture her in her new sundress, and could die from shame ...

Send her an e-mail … Promise to take her back later in the Summer but who knows, I’ve most likely fucked up again … and I wait, wait, wait.
I have to go to an Internet cafe tonight and check my fate.

On the way to check my e-mails get a call from Diane - she's knew it - knew I would let her down. she's sad, and disappointed ... kindly, generously, says it's not my fault, but it hurts so much.

Send her a reply - then call her back. Stupid I know, but verbal communication and I are not good companions, and I feel I speak more clearly on paper.

Tell her I will try again to re-arrange things and maybe get out there Saturday. I have to be positive and try. If not possible, then I have to accept these things and get on. Just get on and not slide into selfish, misery. After so many years of hurt - more than she has been alive - It cuts me wide open to have hurt her.

Go home and eat ... Banana and tuna fish. Yeah ... go figure.

Call Diane at 9:00. We talk and then laugh and then confide, then talk then laugh some more. We discuss the whole Master thing. I have so much to do, to learn, whilst she knows so much. Feel sure I'll fail her. But, fuck, I want her and want to be the person who makes her really happy, so she doesn't feel alone and bereft anymore. and I will do so or die trying. My phone dies again. She calls back and we talk of important futures, of things we value the most in our lives ... small things. Things that people make.

We talk until I'm out of words and have to sleep ... I have to stop the night creeping back into my head.

Sunday mornin' ... day is dawnin'...

2004-06-07T03:25:00.000-07:00

070604 - Wake and lay in bed watching the planes approach Heathrow. Diane will soon be back ... be patient.

I think about what she said last night. Despite knowing, in numerical terms, I am 24 years older than her, when I'm with her, it really does not enter my head ... she is just ... Diane.

Diane - a beautiful, wonderful, warm, energetic, curious, vulnerable (yet strong), bundle of life, which makes me feel alive, makes me feel love, lust, desire, passion, pain, pleasure - makes my body and soul ache for her. Isn't that what we all look for, long for, in life?

I remember when we first met. I stood there at Embankment Station, She sent me a text to say she was on her way. Waiting 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes ... yet I never left, never walked away ... I KNEW she would come. I could have stood there for hours - I knew deep down that she would come.

Then I got a call - I hear a voice, soft and warm, say "It doesn't work unless you turn it on..." swung round and and fell headlong into the most beautiful pair of eyes I have ever seen ... was engulfed by a broad, radiant smile ... and drowned happily.

That's when it happened. It was there and then, I began my future. I knew that I had turned a corner, and had found round the corner a new path and a light that shone brilliantly. I have always had a deep heartfelt desire to find a partner who would try to understand what I am and what I need ... and have always, in the past, failed. It is still a true revelation to beleive I have done so now.

I gave her a feather, and a bell on a sky blue ribbon ... then bought her a glass of ruby port. It was like two old friends meeting up. We walked and talked and laughed and felt happy and sad. I knew I had a purpose in life.

My (fucked up) head has ruled me and kept me down for too long.

Can I trust my heart to guide me along? I have to unclip my safety line and step onto the bowsprit, and soar above the waves.

I want to ... have to ... openly, selflessly, give my heart to Diane - no conditions, no proviso's. "Here, take it, you already own it..." and if we fail in our quest, then so be it.

I don't know whether I'd want it back ...

I get a call from my Mum, and when finished receive voice mail from Diane "Woo-oo, Woo-oo-oo! ... call me back". Call back. We chat and laugh, she asks me for the time ... in California. God it's good to hear her voice. I miss her presence so much. She invites me over. If I could be there I'd be there now, but under pressure at work and, as I have no home, the last thing I need now is to fuck up my job. I agree to try to sort out work somehow ... she agrees to look at flights ... California .. I'm in a state of shock ... my phone fades out.

...looking for the heart of Saturday Night ...

2004-06-06T03:20:00.000-07:00

Sat 050604 - wake early - remember last nights conversation ... and the soft click as my phone gave up on us in exasperation. As if to say, "Enough, already!". I accept that I will only be part of Diane's life until we both shake the monkey's off our backs. One symptom of my condition is that when I hear things I have to visualise them and therefore take things very literally. I currently have a chimpanzee on my back ... that's okay, it's when it turns into a gorilla I get twitchy.

I remember at infant schol when we were asked to say what we had done over the weekend. One girl said she had bought her Mum "The Sound of Music". I didn't know this was a film about Julie Andrews singlehandedly beating the Third Reich and thought ..."Wow, imagine buying someone the whole sound of music!" ... like the Voice of Reason, or something ... and spent hours trying to imagine what that sound was like. I was also most upset when a teacher said we were going to "Refresh our memories..." and sat waiting for a drink that never came.

Shave and Shower - listening to "Songs from the City, Songs from the Sea". What a perfect album - from the title to each track it sums me up really "Baby, Baby, ain't it true - I'm immortal, when I'm with you....". Then find Internet cafe. Check my e-mail. Have one from rg. Long, but perfectly formed. Like Mozart, just the right amount of notes in the right places ... a kind of I-Spy guide to Domdom. Sad she has had so few responses, but maybe in the Kindom of the Dom, the one-eyed man really is King. She's very lucid, very succint, very good. Send her a reply - something dumb, like "Great, thanks...!".

Nothing from Diane(but it is 2:00 a.m in CalUSA), so type up last night. Jaysus, that was a bad one. At least it's not a constant anymore.

Think of my family - I can feel myself drifting away from them for a while until I get a sense of perspective. I need to find how to cope with them without feeling a failure, or guilty or ashamed. It hurts - hurts a lot. The ones who do not know feel for me and I can't ease their pain by shifting mine onto them. It would kill my Mum and Dad I just know it, and I love them so much. I remember a few years ago when My Mum asked me to help my Dad - he couldn't cope with something yet didn't want to admit to his kid that he couldn't. I felt a shift in our relationship, and so proud.

Spend rest of day listening to cricket and reading.

Eating a pizza - hot food! (no cigarettes, no alcohol ... I'm the human Yo-Yo) - when Diane calls. She's my my Damsel of De-stress. Call her back on my magic mobile to save her ass. This has to be some sort of sign... We're both feeling so ... happy! She's very complementary about my journal, and so I feel embarrased and flattered. I just write it down then type it up. I've never thought I could write. I'll have to get fitted with a pipe and a corduroy jacket with leather elbow patches - the Dook of Dork. She tells me her Mum has read it. Don't know what to make of that.

We chat and joke and then she tells me something. She has come to a decision. Something that stops the earth rotating. It's so good, I'm rendered speechless. Happy, elated, ecstatic and speechless. She has also received an e-mail from rg and seems so calm and balanced. Life is sweet. Can't wait to see her again - to smell and taste her, to see her eyes and bite her lips "I can still smell you on my fingers and taste you on my breath..." to make her purrrrrrrrrrr.

Then she has to go. I promise to check my e-mail. Then she has gone. Until tomorrow, Ocelot ...

Down, Down in the cold, cold ground...

2004-06-05T02:22:00.000-07:00

Fri 040604 thru Sat 050604 - Left work and take train. Diane rings and we speak for ages. Talk about Kenn and what happened - must have some malevolent effect as when I get back to J's place, the night seems to seep in and I sink into it's cold velvet grip....

I'm a simple 2 piece jigsaw that needs the other piece to make it whole. Shallow people play games - always running home to Mummy when the heat cranks up, or shying away from complete mutual surrender. I feel life is not to be fucked with - it's an intense, limited flow of energy which shouldn't be wasted... "ask me why an' I'll spit in your eye..."

I'm tired of the game players, the dilletantes - the shallow, hollow shells that prance and lure with their melliflous words but have no substance.

I want, need, my other side - the one who will take and give in true reciprocity.

Perhaps I'm a lost cause, cursed to be cast adrift, a Flying Dutchman, a Captain Ahab ... a marble robot encasing a frozen heart - never finding that spark to ignite the tinder.

The air tonight is fetid and humid, crackling with malevolence ... perhaps I really am mad. I weep. For what? Lost happiness? knowing I'll never find happiness? I'm a demon trapped in my body and I want to fly free - to soar above the trees, to crawl through the undergrowth to find you, whoever and wherever you are, and lie with you - two halves complete at last ... home at last.

I don't think anyone appreciates the intensity of the way I feel. Evryone thinks a sticking plaster can staunch the gushing vein of emotion...I'm still a pretty, innocent boy with soft skin and a beautiful open smile... that's it, make yourself feel good, then push me away until the next time you need a toy to use and abuse.

"Speak to me gently, before you begin..."

Christ, how many more dark pain-racked nights must I suffer? Someone must know... here, you can have my soul, just please, please tell me...

Diane honestly says for me this is love, for her not. Love? it means so many different things to people. For me it means total mutual control/surrender. Some people toss it around like confetti or use it like balm to soothe, placate, quell. For me it's a loaded gun, a pandora's box that, once opened, can either light or destroy the world.

I have to cut out my heart and burn it - it runs me, rules me, toys with me, sits on my chest and mocks me. Why can't I find happiness, what smell do I exude, what hidden mark has been branded on my face? I thought I was being strong by facing this but I feel weaker and weaker - no food, just drink and smoke(Could it be I'm reverting to old addictions?) Perhaps this is how it works - spin back out of control, before I can re-start.

God I want Diane - to hold smell taste lick suck. I want to feel her warmth, listen to her heartbeat - sink into her presence. But she will go - she will leave - she will put me back in the box and back on the shelf and walk to one she is in love with.

It's midnight here. Call California. Diane answers and I try to explain and be a real pain in the arse in the process. However, we talk - my phone seems blessed as it goes on and on with no credit and lets us talk for over an hour. We reminisce and we plan. She is such a calming source of hope and we always just seem to get along so fluidly, like we're old, old friends. We talk of a shared deep hurt about children - hers she knew only too well, mine I didn't even know till it was over. I've got to accept that I will only ever be a part of her life and enjoy that for what it is. She misses me and I miss her. What more can I truly expect?

Click - my phone finally flakes out and, with a much lighter heart, so do I....

Things I Like ... Number 1 (not the most important, just the first posting in a series)

2004-06-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Fairgrounds. I’ve always loved fairgrounds. The colours, the smells, the noise, the music, the mayhem, the feeling you are entering another reckless, uninhibited World devoted to pure pleasure – that’s all they are, hence the names “Pleasure Beach” and “Pleasureland”. There was one called “Frontierland”. I love that name and all it conjures up in terms of new experiences and lost worlds. I especially love them when it goes dark and the lights are bright, defying the darkness, yet you can find dark corners where you can play.

I left school as soon as I could (just turned 16) and, as I lived near the sea, there was a fairground nearby. I went for a job and, being young, fit and prepared to work for little pay, was taken on. It was one of the hottest summers recorded and I worked through to October when the Fairground went on the road. I was taking money on the dodgems (riding on the cars and flirting with the girls – feeling so good when their boyfriends sulked as they flirted right back), and loved every moment. The fairground people soon taught me how to supplement my meagre wages by palming money from people when handing back change, and though the days were long and the work was so hard – I wished they would never end. When they did we all went to a nearby bar and spent all our money drinking, smoking, boasting, joking, flirting and fighting and generally being reckless, feckless feckers.

When I really should have been in school, planning my career ...etc.

"Can't call her sugar ... sugar never was that sweet..."

2004-06-04T02:19:00.000-07:00

Thu 030604 – Work. Interrupted by voicemails from Y. Start off okay then slowly winds up to a fury. Keep wondering what time it is in California (8 hours behind - why does the night go so slow when it's the day? ... if you know what I mean). Check e-mails before leaving work. Nothing, so check Diane’s journal. In the latest entry there’s a section that could have been lifted straight from my head – I’ll leave it up to you to work that out.

Notice her posting for 020604 is called “California Dreaming…” Notice my posting for 020604 has the lines “All the leaves are brown … and the sky is grey…”

Go for a walk to Kensington Gardens – and the sky is grey … slush grey stratocumulus covers London like a shroud. Lots of people playing football, and some guys are setting up goalposts – shirts v skins (woo hoo – woo hoo hoo) … sniff the air and tell ‘em it’s gonna rain soon, I can smell it. Watch a granny kicking a ball to a little boy. He kicks it back and she flicks it up and does some keepy-up before lobbing it back to him. Smile – football is either in your blood or it isn't, irrespective of age or gender.

Walk around the Round Pond. This is where I got that feather. There are now more feathers than in the pillow fight in “Zero du Conduit”. Enough feathers to make a cape of swan down. I’d tie it with a sky blue ribbon. Diana the Huntress. I love Jean Vigo’s (few) films. L’Atalante has to be the simplest yet most romantic film. I feel like ducking my head in the pond to see the face of the one I love.

The Pond is very still. I hear a girl playing an Irish jig on a Penny Whistle, and the Clock at Kensington Palace strikes 6 o’clock.

Switch on my phone … voicemail … Not from Y, from Diane! “Your phone is off … I’m calling from California … read your journal … it’s ... Cute. I’ll call later “ Shit ... I missed her. Want to listen to the CD she made for me – I remember when she handed it to me in Starbucks … and how she kept whacking my arse as I stood in the queue, and how I bent her over the stairs and whacked hers good and hard back. As we were in England everybody just carried on with their coffee.

Watching the ducks dive reminds me of when I used to drink. “Well the river was whisky … and I was a diving duck…” I was good at it(I always do a thorough job, even when I'm fucking my life up). Morning noon and night and I loved the taste, the feeling, the family of drinkers. At college I once spent my whole terms grant in about three weeks drinking. I was not an unhappy drinker. Then I just stopped. I still drink but can happily go days or weeks without it now.

As it starts to rain (there’s an old sea dog for you) go for a quick pint (okay, okay), then back to J’s place … sort out some things and Diane rings at 9:00 p.m. She has previously rung some other guy thinking it was me (I bet he dines out on that opening line for a while…) Wonderful to hear her voice … some crazy noises on the teevee in the background, apparently an orgy in Zoolander?!?!, but we talk and chat and laugh - and I mean really laugh – for 45 mins. Things I now know … Morrissey thinks Britney is the Devil (you can take the boy from the North West but you can't take ... etc) – The Saint/Bond is a hussy (though Bond is doing it for Queen & Country) – you lose weight if you don’t eat – why I slept so well these last couple of nights – Diane’s sister is in retail and very confident. We sadly part, her Mum is gonna take the cost of this phone call out of her ass...I'll do that for her when Diane gets back.

I feel absolutely elated, so go to bed and sleep ... I've so much to do now but getting away from places of stress and hearing supportive voices makes life feel sweeter and I can really start to sort myself out. Fuck, you may even get a smile out of me soon....

One Step Beyond ...

2004-06-03T01:06:00.000-07:00

Wed 020604 thru Thu 030604 – Check my e-mail - message from rg and one from “anonymous” tho’ I reckon I know who you really are …. Send Diane an e-mail for when she arrives in California, then leave work. Go back home – pack – leave – hurt.

Drive down the M4, feeling many things – alone, relieved, nervous, sad, (Mr Cocktail – shaken AND stirred) and yet emotionless at the same time. Like all these feelings are in my pocket somehow. I could just drive and never stop.

It feels like this is opening yet another door to more heartache and pain, yet it’s what I want. For better of worse, another journey another starting point.

Perhaps I’m searching for the place where it all went wrong so I can take a nifty side step to a different life. But, I know, and as Diane and rg have both said … it’s done. It can’t be unwritten now. I’ve got to just make this difficult piece fit into the jigsaw of my life somehow, accept it and move on.

The problem I have is that I WANT to confront it … to take it outside and kick 10 shades of shit out of it. I’ve always had to fight. Against pneumonia, meningitis, asthma, broken limbs, broken head, bullies, glandular fever (that was a good one – I hallucinated that The Selecter were dancing on my bed) … fighting is what I’ve always had to do and I’ve survived so far (in a shaky, flaky way) whilst appearing a normal sorted chap – until the lights go out.

No music in my head tonight. No …that’s a lie …

“All the leaves are brown … and the sky is grey….”

I’m missing Diane already. I long to stroke her neck, her cheek … to hold her face in my hands, gaze into her eyes, kiss her softly on the lips and hear her say …”Mike … it’s gonna be fine…”

Get to J’s place and get shown round, then alone again. Go to bed and read. Must fall asleep because woken at 1:00 a.m by phone. It’s Diane! Great news - She’s arrived safely and is at her Mum’s place and sounds happy. Who wouldn't be - sitting in the California sun and looking at the roses and the cats which are staring back in the "who the fuck are you?" way that cats have. She watched Kill Bill on the plane - that movie follows her around - and she’s told her Mum loads and like all Mums she was cool about it all. We chat for a while as I try to engage my fuddled brain, then she has to go … I miss her - she misses me - it was so good to talk and to hear her voice again.

She's leaving on a jet plane ...

2004-06-03T00:57:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 020604 – Wake up early … not really slept. Have so much to do today and Diane flies back to America. Also I move to a friends house this evening. Where I stay at the moment is just too difficult. I need to be away from there and calm in order to begin rebuilding myself.

Try calling Diane – no answer. Perhaps I’m too early. Perhaps she already gone. Perhaps she doesn’t answer as she doesn’t want to see me anymore and can’t face telling me. Perhaps I’m a big bollox …

If you chose the last one you’re a winner. After what happened between her and Kenn, she wouldn’t just go, and I’m an evil, low down critter for even THINKING it.

I text her and – yep - she’s there and I call. She’s finishing packing and waiting for Hitomi who is going with her to the airport. Look out Heathrow, there’s a twister coming in. We chat for a while – she arrived with six cases – now has three. I suggest she waits for another few months and then she’ll have no luggage problems. In fact, wait another year and she’ll have a whole wardrobe waiting for her in San Francisco. She has to go so I ring off and travel into Town. I sense the pressure she is under and tiptoe around her a bit. I call when I get to Baker Street but it’s no good – I’m just a distraction at this moment when she needs to concentrate on getting things sorted. She ask me to call her back in 1 hour. (I can still hear her voice – she has such a beautiful calm voice. It’s one of the things I first liked about her. That and receiving an e-mail which said “Hey, we’ve had an e-mail conversation for over an hour! What are you interested in other than kink?”).

Get to work – the pile of crap I thought I’d organised last night appears to just have moved from one side of the office to the other. Perhaps I’ll spend today moving it back.

Call back in 1 hour. They’re on the train at South Ealing. Say “Hello” to Hitomi then have to repeat to her “Mind the Gap” in best fruity English accent as this has amused Diane so much. Talk about what she will do and I slip “I’m so glad I met you” into the conversation – “Why?” - “You make me smile, laugh, feel good about things - myself, life, general stuff like that”. I feel that she knows this but is justifiably wary considering what happened to her. We have a laugh about certain items she is going to retrieve. Items which her Mum will not necessarily understand.

Then I have to go. And she has to go… I feel happy (I’ve spoken to her again) and sad (I feel bereft of her spirit) and worried (I don’t know what is awaiting her) and proud (I think what she is doing by going back is very courageous). I just hope it all turns out … well, fine.

"She left her heart in Frisco ..."

2004-06-02T01:31:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 010604 – Checked my journal. Someone has commented. Someone I don’t know. Feel surprised and touched and happy. I’ve been so far up my own arse recently that I’ve never thought that there are people out there logging on and reading my drivel. We are constantly patronised by the media with horror stories about the internet, and the corrosive effects it has upon young people – prowling predatory paedophiles preying perniciously … (thanks to John Cooper Clarke for inspiring that one), so here’s a positive take on it. As a medium for free expression and communication where you ain’t gonna get “ a cap up yo’ ass” – I do like that expression – for voicing your inner thoughts, it can’t be beat. No wonder governments are wary. Anyway, many heartfelt thanks go to you rg

Back to my day – up early “shave, shit, shower and a shoe shine … every body looks like Ernest Borginine” (It’s a JCC day today), and to work. I won’t bore you with detail here but suffice to say I have responsibilities … I have people to manage … I have to have Gravitas. The advantage is I get to wear some crisp white shirts, nice suits and shiny shoes.

Text Diane – its her final exams. Wish her luck, send her a smile and some ++++’s (positivity)… she responds with a Yes to my late night txt… thank you. Thank you so much. My spirits flutter and wheel like a leaf on the breeze.

Later I get a text saying it’s all gone wrong – I think they gave her the wrong paper, the bastards. We exchange texts and I e-mail. I’m worried she may go back to America and never come back – another opportunity for a less unhappy life gone. She re-assures me that she has a job and will re take her studies in the Fall. What a bastard I am. I should be re-assuring her that it’s all okay, especially as she has issues to resolve back in America. That’s what I know I have to change about myself. I have to get out of this trough of self doubt and self obsession and open my arms to people and actually, like, think about people.

Rest of the day spent in endless meetings and interviews and studying contracts, so I don’t switch on my phone until 9:00 pm – a message from Diane “Can you call?” sent at 6:15. Shit. Call her and have 45 minute chat. We talk about lots of stuff. She’s packing and wants me to come over. She’s out East and I’m out West. I really can’t - still got too much to do (end up working until 1:00 a.m.). Have I fucked it up again? I hope not. It will all be better when she gets back – I’ll be living nearer to her and away from my present difficult circumstances. She flies back to L'America tomorrow and I feel so drawn to her … so, so drawn to her …

Well, I'm Southbound, baby...

2004-06-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Monday 310504 – back down South today. Get up early as it’s a beautiful morning. Blue sky, bright sunshine, warm air. Pack my bag, and load the car – torn between wanting to leave and wanting to stay. What is there here for me though? My parents? ... my family – one part of which has caused me over 30 years of suffering ...?

an old Italian friend has a saying “Families are like fish, after 3 days things start to go off…” I know the feeling. I’ve lived away from here longer than I lived here, and, though the countryside and sea is idyllic, I need the bustle, excitement, rush … and anonymity of City life.

Walk around in the sun for a while - have a smoke, and another coffee, then finally walk to my car. Give my Mum a hug and shake hands with my Dad. Then climb in and drive off.

Easy but slow drive down, apart from 3 accidents – one car in flames, and another overturned with stretchers taking away broken people. Also Y starts ringing again. She has the unerring gift of calling when I’m travelling at high speed in traffic. Usual insults. I can see why people simply disappear. Phone off and concentrate on driving … though my mind, like those pesky Von Trapps, loves to go a-wandering…

I suddenly remember that when I was very young – I must have been about 5 or younger - I experimented by taking a knife and inserting it into a live plug socket.

BAM…..

I awoke across the other side of the room, slumped against the wall, feeling very tired and very … well …buzzy, I suppose.

Get back to London about 6:00 and arrange to meet Diane at 7:00. After 5 hours driving, need a snooze. Sit in a car park, have a smoke and listen to the football – 3rd Division Play off final …sad or what?

Meet Diane and Hitomi. Always get tongue-tied – have so much to say but can’t articulate very well verbally. I know that I feel very deeply for her, but also know that it’s different for her. Over food, we plot her Mission – she’s chosen to accept it – and then they decide to see a Film. So we go to the Internet Café to check out the timings etc. I get Diane a Snickers milkshake, and she shows me her latest journal…. I could weep it makes me so happy.

I long to play, and I’m tired of letting my difficulties rule and fuck up my life. I WILL sort this out. I’ve got to drive home – work early tomorrow and crisp white shirt and suit to be donned – so I drop them at the Cinema and head out West....before I go to bed I send Diane a text … hope she agrees.

Take me out, tonight ....

2004-06-01T04:30:00.000-07:00

Sunday 300504 – Get out of the house and go down to the sea. The tide is out and the wide, flat sands stretch out to the horizon and the Cumbrian mountains. Bright warm sunshine and a cooling on-shore breeze. A pale turquoise sky – the colour of Diane’s ribbon (She’d love this expanse of sky) – daubed with scattered gangs of surly cumulus clouds riding free from West to East, and strands of cirrus high above like spun sugar. The distant sea shimmers as an army of walkers begin to cross the treacherous sands.

This idyllic scene is tarnished by tragedy. Recently a group of Chinese immigrant workers drowned here picking cockles for a pittance. The tide rushes in faster than a man can run and that, coupled with quicksand, meant they had no chance once the tide turned. One managed to make a final mobile phone call home before he perished. We still wait for another body to turn up somewhere along the coast.

Why does my mind keep being drawn down all the time? I just don’t seem to have any positive thoughts anymore. I’ve no self confidence and don’t seem able to kickstart my life at all. It’s as if I’m scared to … well, just DO. As if I’m afraid someone will say “that’s stupid” or “you idiot”. Why can’t I just go ahead and fuck them all? It’s as if I’m waiting to be given permission to LIVE – to be freed by someone. I have to take control of my life, but after so long it’s so hard.

Go back to my car and drive back. Call Diane. She’s on the bus home and she sounds tired, so don’t keep her long. Get a sudden urge to read her journal. My parents don’t have a PC - poor little white boy - so drive 12 miles to find Internet access. Log on and read her journal.

Bad mistake. My fragile ego can’t handle her talking of her night out and how she found a certain man fascinating. Feel jealous and send her a petty, childish text which I instantly regret – why don’t I just kick myself instead of kicking out at the people I love? She calls me back – understandably upset. I’m privileged to be given access to her thoughts and life, and have just thrown it all back in her face.

I apologise, explain that it’s not her openness, but my insecurity …but feel like a real shit. At least I’m not resorting to Prince Smirnoff to solve my problems at the moment.

Call Diane much later and we talk and we make up.

“There is a light that never goes out … there is a light that never goes out...”

Sleep for the first time in weeks…